


the living list

by hyuckleberryf1nn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Awkward Mark Lee (NCT), Bucket List, Confident Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Crushes, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Firsts, Growing Up, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Relationship(s), Religious Conflict, Religious Discussion, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Resolved Sexual Tension, Roommates, Sassy Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush, mark is awkward as heck and hyuck loves it, markhyuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:47:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29212905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckleberryf1nn/pseuds/hyuckleberryf1nn
Summary: mark thinks he has everything in his life planned out down to the hour in his trusty leather bound planner- until donghyuck tumbles onto the scene and turns everything around, giving him a taste of everything mark has let pass him by; and showing him what it means to truly live.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 19
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey all, markhyuck has been feeding us so of course i've gotta project that somewhere; i'm not quite sure of the entire roadmap for this story so bear with me! hope that you enjoy what i've got so far :)

mark lee had never been one for coloring outside of the lines. it wasn’t his style. he found that everything ran smoothly when it was perfectly laid out before him.

pages of notes written neatly in 0.35mm gel pen to rival any studygram, sorted by subject into color coded binders. a small leather bound planner holding the dates and times of each extracurricular. after school volunteer tutoring. crew races. debate meets. sat prep. wash, rinse, repeat. each morning, he awoke to the day’s outfit folded neatly on his dresser, a never-ending combination of khakis and a sweater he had picked out the night before (with the one exception of the robes he donned to give the valedictorian’s speech at his high school graduation).

while others may have felt stifled, suffocated by the ever insistent squeak of the hamster wheel, the sheer mundanity of it all; mark found warmth. everything was to be expected. everything went to plan.

but donghyuck. donghyuck was not a part of said plan.

“mom, i promise you i got it! you should probably leave before my roommate gets here, i don’t want you to scare him off.”

he teased, gingerly ushering his teary eyed mother towards the door. in all honesty, he was nervous to meet who he was going to be sharing this cramped, poorly lit dorm with. (although this wasn’t saying much, mark may have finished with an A in a.p. bio, but on the socialization scale his grade would have fallen below a D+, at best). the only thing he knew about him was his name: lee donghyuck. he had only answered in clipped, one word answers in their brief correspondence via email, dodging each and every question mark had politely asked, and begrudgingly agreeing to bring a hot plate for them to share. he was a blank slate, and the very thought of that made mark start to sweat. there’s no way to properly plan for a blank slate.

“ok, ok i’m leaving, no need to shove.”

his mom joked, mascara streaky. she paused in the doorframe, reaching up to cradle her son’s face in her soft hands.

“my mark. my star!”

she smiled.

“i am so proud of you. you have worked so hard to get here…. your dad would be…. he would be even prouder. he _is_ even prouder.”

she corrected herself. mark felt his chest tighten.

“i won't let you down. i won’t let him down. everything i do is for you two. even if he’s not here…. he is right? watching from somewhere. i can feel it.”

his mother smiled warmly.

“i know you won’t let us down. i'm excited to see who you become, mark.”

she paused for a moment, staring at him, as if she was trying to take a photograph of him with her irises.

“just don’t stray too far from being my little boy.”

she laughed, a sound tinged at the edges with bittersweet chocolate. mark closed his eyes, content. he wanted to remember what this felt like. his mom stood on her tip toes to plant a kiss on his cheek, and just like that, mark was alone. when he closed the door to his dorm room after his mom turned the corner, the click seemed to reverberate through his skull. it felt final.

he gulped, taking in his reflection in the dusty mirror bolted to the back of his door. black low top vans, laces double knotted neatly. medium wash khakis, cuffed twice. round frame specs perched on his nose, his black hair; the only unruly part of him, sticking up in haphazard tufts. he frowned at it, not even bothering to try to smooth it down. his mom used to always joke that his hair refused to behave from sunup to sundown.

dang. the only inside jokes he had were with his mom. it sounded pathetic, but she was the only friend he’d ever truly had, he’d simply never had time to go out and do things. there was always a test to study for, a race to condition for, a future to plan. sure, there were the faint acquaintances he’d known by name; his debate partner dejun, kun the coxswain from his rowing team, chenle the salutatorian who had given mark a run for his money until the very end of the school year. but these faces would fade, and high school would be nothing but a mere mess of essays and deadlines, with minimal fond memories in between.

_and i’m ok with that,_

mark thought to himself, straightening the white collar layered underneath his Korea University crewneck, staring at the gold chain of his dad’s old cross necklace peeking out against his neck.

_i traded prom night for a.p. physics practice exams, and it will all be worth it. look at where i’m standing now._

as if on cue, the one bare lightbulb in the middle of the ceiling burnt out with a pop.

“it’ll all be worth it.”

he reassured his shadowed reflection, opting to ignore the way his middle finger tapped the side of his leg, the way it always did when he was telling a lie.

* * *

the rest of the afternoon passed uneventfully, as mark chased daylight to unpack. even with his glasses on, his sight was appalling, and the dimly lit nature of his dorm room would be a nightmare for studying. he grabbed his planner, flipping to the notes section of the week. _“buy desk lamp”_ he printed neatly. he shifted his gaze to the small box dedicated to the day, all of his tasks crossed out except for one: _“freshman mixer {7:00pm-9:30pm}”_. it was all a part of his plan, to break the ice with his roommate, and kick off this New Mark Era with being social, friendly. someone who could pencil in grabbing coffee with his peers every once in a while. he spun around in his squeaky desk chair, swinging his feet like a little kid.

“hi donghyuck, nice to meet you. i’m mark lee.”

he practiced the script he had written in his head on the car ride over, watching the yellowed paint on the walls rush past in a blur.

“i’m excited to get to know you, maybe we can get small talk out of the way and discuss what we want our room rules to be at the freshman mixer in the rec room? i mean, you can never say no to a free meal, amiright?”

he cringed to himself. a lame joke, and a rehearsed one at that? that’s the best he could come up with? he sighed, stopping himself from spinning before he got too nauseous and lost his lunch on the floor. not that the linoleum wasn’t already filthy to begin with. mark was going to have to get used to keeping his shoes on indoors, he wasn’t sure if he felt comfortable walking barefoot over the many stains dotting the tile.

the lull of the night continued like that for hours, as the shadows grew longer.  
 _where the hell was donghyuck?_

check-in had ended ages ago according to his planner; _“dorm check-in {11:00am-3:00pm}”._

**5:00 pm**

**6:00 pm**

_-settled in?_

his mom texted.

_-meet your roomie? is he nice? :)_

_-yup!_

mark sent back, his middle finger drumming on his thigh.

_-everything is going well! we are getting along great._

he had never lied to his mom, and even something as inconsequential as this made him feel sick. knowing she was hours away made it feel too easy. this was not a promising start to the New Mark Era.

**6:30pm**

**6:45pm**

now the panic was setting in. the mixer was a mere 15 minutes away from beginning, and donghyuck was still nowhere to be seen. should he just go without him?

**6:50pm**

but what if he showed up when mark was gone, to a dark and empty dorm? that wouldn’t be very welcoming of mark. first impressions are very important.

**6:53pm**

but what if everyone met and formed little friend groups that mark would be excluded from? again. he should just go. it’s not his fault donghyuck was ridiculously tardy. if anyone was setting up a bad first impression, it was his mystery roommate.

**6:59pm**

who was he kidding. as if he could show up, alone, and have enough confidence to spark up conversations with strangers who were undoubtedly cooler than him. that was real funny. maybe he should drop out and become a stand up comedian while he was at it!

mark sighed, hearing the commotion in the hallways as people flocked to the rec center. donghyuck better have a good excuse for potentially ruining the prospects of mark ever having a social life. the sun was completely set now, his only source of light being the feeble green glow from his alarm clock display. he rested his cheek against his desk. he couldn’t see a thing. he couldn't cook a respectable meal because his nonexistent roommate was bringing their stovetop. he was stuck inside because he had never really learned how to go out.

he closed his eyes. the coolness of the lacquered wood felt good against his freshly shaven cheek. as the sound of nervous chatter and excited laughter echoed through the vents from the festivities downstairs, mark lee spent the first night of college using his desk as a pillow.


	2. Chapter 2

“i can tell ya right now that i’m not going to be able to keep it down while i unpack, so i figured i might as well wake you up to get it out of the way.”

mark wrinkled his nose, not bothering to open his eyes. why the hell was his mom waking him up so early? and why was she so fucking close to his face? he could feel her breath, and it tickled too much against his ear for him to ignore. he grumbled, fingers fumbling for his pillow to cover his head with, but finding nothing but…. wood? he pressed his palm flat against his… desk. 

oh shit. his desk. in his _dorm_ . where he was….. _alone_. so who the hell was whispering to him? 

he sat up with a start and yelp, his glasses sliding off the bridge of his nose. great, ok cool, so now he was dazed, confused, _and_ blind. what a winning combination. 

“woah woahhhh, shit, don’t freak out, the whole point of that was to prevent you from freaking out!”

the stranger to his left bit back a laugh.

“i’m lee donghyuck? your roommate, who is clearly killing it at the first impression game.” 

“yeah, i noticed. what is it, 2am?”

mark grumbled, voice thick with sleep.

“if you’re sticking out your hand to shake, i can’t see it. i’m practically blind without my glasses.”

“ _yeah, i noticed_.”

donghyuck parroted back.

“seeing as i wasn’t holding out my hand to shake because we aren’t closing a business deal, and there’s drool in the corner of your mouth that you haven’t bothered to wipe away.”

mark flushed, swiping at the moisture that had collected on his lip. _who did this guy think he was?_

“so what’s your explanation then?”

“hm?”

“your excuse? for running so incredibly late.” 

mark sounded like a mom in every teen movie (not his own mother, because mark had never been late), but he didn’t care. he was irritated, tired, and his neck had a cramp in it from sleeping on his desk.

“i don’t have one.”

donghyuck yawned.

“i just am.”

mark scoffed in what he hoped was his roommate’s general direction.

“what kind of answer is that?”

“a truthful one. here’s your glasses. i’m going to start unpacking before you scold me again and wake up half of the hall, _roomie._ ”

mark heard his glasses clatter onto his desk, snatching them up and sliding them back on his nose. it helped but not much, the dorm was still pitch black. he glanced at his clock; 2:14am.

“how’d you even get in the building at this hour?”

mark crossed his arms at donghyuck’s back, who was busy emptying the contents of a dark purple duffel bag onto his bed.

“some people in the rec room let me in. i think they were stragglers from some freshman dinner something or other? i dunno. there was a flyer on the wall i didn’t read. seems like an event you should’ve attended, seeing as you clearly don’t get out much.”

mark felt the heat rising to his face once again, a nonexistent retort itching to come out of his mouth. he was used to being in the hot seat; he’d been assigned neg on justice system reform (yikes) for the regional debate tournament. he was well equipped to argue his way out of a loaded situation, but this was different. donghyuck had him in a corner. he _didn’t_ get out much, and there was no standing evidence available to refute that. 

donghyuck peered over his shoulder, raising his eyebrows at mark’s lack of response.

“sore spot, huh? well, at least you aren’t cross eyed anymore.” 

he turned back to his mess of belongings, now sorting them into piles mark wasn’t even going to attempt to make sense of. 

mark frowned. 

“what are you even talking about?”

his roommate’s train of thought was giving him a headache. it was as if donghyuck was throwing darts at a board to determine what to say next.

donghyuck spun around on his heel to face mark, who was nervously rocking in his chair.

“your eyes. they go cross eyed when you don’t have glasses on.”

he pointed at the bridge of mark’s nose, and mark’s eyes followed to the spot without realizing what he was doing. donghyuck squawked out a laugh.

“yes! exactly like that!”

he doubled over laughing, as mark blinked his vision back into focus, embarrassed.

“oh man, good stuff.”

the boy before him brushed tears from the corners of his eyes as he stood up straight again, and for the first time, mark was able to get a good look at him. 

he had the build of a dancer, lithe and lean in a way that was still obvious underneath his gray hoodie with a black denim jacket thrown over it. he was wearing black jeans that hugged his long legs (mark could still tell he had a few inches on the guy), riddled with holes all the way down, and tucked into a pair of scuffed docs. simple, yet put together in a way that was meant to be masked. mark raised his eyebrows. he obviously didn’t want people to know that he tried. why? his face was strikingly… pretty, which sent zaps down mark’s spine in a way he had never experienced before. there was a soft innocence to it; like he hadn’t quite outgrown his baby face yet, which was offset by the small gold stud in his nose and the glint behind his eyes that was anything but pure. shaggy blonde hair framed his features and set off the warmth of his tanned skin, and mark felt like the inside of his mouth had dried up into a desert as he watched donghyuck’s slender fingers push it away from his face, exposing the three dainty gold hoops in each of his ears. 

donghyuck smacked his gum loudly, staring at his roommate expectantly.

“did you hear a single word i just said?”

“huh? what? sorry!” 

mark shifted his weight, suddenly unaware of what to do with himself. how to sit, how to speak, how to _blink_. he suddenly felt like his senses had heightened, yet dulled at the same time; there was a sort of weird fog in his brain that was slowing everything down and making it hard to think. his tongue felt like lead, and his heartbeat rivaled that of a mouse who knew it was being stalked, about to be pounced on at any moment. why was he sweating? was he getting sick?

“i was trying to get us started back off on the right foot, i’m realizing now in hindsight that a rude awakening wasn’t the best route to take.”

donghyuck chuckled, twisting the gold band on his middle finger absentmindedly and cocking an eyebrow.

“but _you_ were too busy checking me out.”

“what!”

mark’s voice cracked, and he felt like crawling out of his skin. his middle finger tapped triplets on his thigh.

“i wasn’t- no, what are you talking about, i’m not- uh-”

his roommate leaned against his bedpost, crossing his arms. mark felt something bloom in his chest. jealousy and something else he couldn’t get a read on. at how donghyuck could so easily take a control of a room, despite having entered it only 20 minutes ago. how he didn’t seem nervous in the slightest, and seemed to draw sick amusement at how rattled mark was.

“let’s just start over before you burst a blood vessel.”

donghyuck held out his hand to shake.

“i still think shaking hands is ridiculously formal, but i sense you and i will be having to do lots of compromising in order to coexist peacefully. i’m lee donghyuck, but only my dad calls me that. you can call me hyuck. he/they. emphasis on they, please and thanks. undeclared major. i don’t know or care what the fuck i’m doing here. i’m not here by choice. only due to my dear old dad’s wet dream for a model son and shit ton of financial aid.”

he said all of this without a shred of bitterness, like they were just recounting facts. mark clasped their hand. it was warm, and the ring on his middle finger seemed to burn into mark’s palm like a hot iron. he feebly squeezed and let go, clearing his throat and hastily wiping his sweaty palms on his pant leg.

“i’m mark lee. uh. that’s what everyone calls me i guess. civil engineering major. minoring in architecture.”

he hoped that impressed him, although he couldn’t quite place why, exactly.

“i’m also here on a ton of financial aid, but i want to be here. it’s all i’ve ever worked for, actually.”

“interesting.”

mark’s heart sank. they surely didn’t look interested. he didn’t even seem like he was pretending to _sound_ remotely intrigued by what he had to say.

“what are your pronouns?”

“my what?”

mark pulled himself out of his pout, caught off guard. 

“don’tworryohmygodiknowwhatpronounsarejesusyeahyoudon’thavetoexplain.”

he rushed, catching the look of tired annoyance clouding hyuck’s face.

“does it make you uncomfortable, because it shouldn’t.”

they stated matter of factly.

“i feel like it should be customary to lead introductions that way, quite honestly. how else are you supposed to know how to refer to someone if you don’t ask them?”

mark squirmed under their gaze. now he looked like an ass. it wasn’t that he didn’t understand gender identity, it’s just when you spend all 18 years of your life growing up in a tight knit, god fearing town a good thirty minute drive away from the nearest city, you don’t get a lot of exposure to anything even close to breaking any glass ceilings.

“no, i mean yeah of course! it- no it doesn’t make me uncomfortable! it’s just that no one has ever asked me! so. um. uh. he/him. yeah. i’m. uh. straight? yeah straight. i guess.”

hyuck laughed, a sound that mark thought could probably spark life back into the burned out bulb in their ceiling.

“i mean, gender identity and sexual orientation are two completely different things, but i’ll give you a pass seeing as i obviously make you nervous, and that was the most unconvincing ‘i’m straight’ that i’ve ever heard.”

hyuck smiled, their teeth glinting white in the dark like the cheshire cat’s. 

“you don’t make me nervous.”

_taptaptaptaptaptaptaptatap_

mark’s finger might as well have been moving at the speed of light.

“huh?” 

donghyuck looked straight into his eyes, tongue wetting their lips. mark felt as if he had shrunk 18 sizes. 

“nothing.” 

his voice came out strained. hyuck made a noise in the back of his throat.

“what i thought, mark lee.”

they stood up straight again, shedding their jacket.

“i’ll tell you what. i’ll finish packing in the morning. let you catch some shut eye. you probably have class in a few hours, right? can’t have you sleeping through your first big dayyyy.”

he added teasingly. 

“i’ll get ready in the building bathroom down the hall so you can get settled in here.”

they glided across the floor, slipping out the door before mark could answer.

“wait! do- hyuck!”

he called after him. hyuck’s blonde head peeked back into the room.

“yeah?”

“how did you… how did you know i had a morning class tomorrow?” 

“please.”

hyuck chuckled. 

“school merch sweatshirt? organizational jars on the desk, framed photo of you and your mom? you seem like the type.”

he thought for a moment. mark resisted the urge to fidget. he wasn’t used to being evaluated. heck, he wasn’t used to being looked at much at all. 

“put together. perfect.”

mark thanked god for shorting out the lightbulb overhead, or else his blush would’ve read from a mile away.

hyuck smirked.

“we’ll see what i can do about that.”

he closed the door with a metallic click, leaving mark alone with nothing but the dark and a churning stomach to keep him company.

* * *

mark practically leaped out of bed the next morning, first day jitters erasing any ounce of fatigue. donghyuck hadn’t been in bed when he awoke to his 7am alarm, and that observation surprised mark for approximately 8 seconds before he gave up. he’d known the guy for less than a day, and already he knew that he’d probably never understand them. he could find the zeros of a quartic equation in his sleep, but figuring out lee donghyuck was something he knew there’d be no solution for. 

he showered in the dorm’s community bathroom, which was vacant because no freshman in their right mind was paying to take an 8am class. he hummed heartbreak warfare by john mayer under his breath to calm his nerves as he shampooed his hair. maybe if he had focused less on building a picture perfect portfolio he could’ve had time to learn guitar like his dad used to play....

“is that john mayer?” 

“shit!”

mark cursed, 50% from being startled, and 50% from the shampoo bubbles that had dripped into his eyes. he pulled back the curtain just enough to reveal his face to whoever had interrupted his little concert.

“sorry! i didn’t mean to startle you, i just got excited because i love that song.” 

the person before him wrung his hands around his towel awkwardly. he looked way too young to be in college; with pointed, impish features and grown-out brown hair still messy from bed. he was wearing a pajama set like some aristocratic movie character, made of gray-silver silk with white piping. 

“you’re good, i just didn’t expect anyone else to be up this early!”

mark grimaced through the stinging soap in his eyes.

“oh yeah, calc is a bitch, i’d be sound asleep right if i had the choice.”

“no way, that’s where i’m headed too! you can’t tell by the way my face is currently twisted in pain, but i’m glad to know someone already!”

“me too!”

his new classmate smiled.

“hey, when you’re done, we could walk together! it’ll be less daunting to step into our first class with company, and also… i’ll totally get lost trying to find my way around by myself.”

“yeah man, sounds good! i’ll meet you at the front door in 30?”

mark replied, unable to hold back a smile. _a friend!_

“yeah, perfect!”

he disappeared around the corner to another shower stall, and mark quickly finished washing up, pulling on his khakis and a crimson sweater, the school color; his way of showing some spirit without looking like an over eager freshman (even though that’s exactly what he was). he slipped on his glasses and ran a hand through his hair, which was already starting to dry in random spikes. 

he sighed. nothing he could do about that now.

he jogged back to his dorm, eyeing the still empty bed across the room from his own. all of donghyuck’s belongings were still piled on top of the covers. 

_that’s odd_

mark thought, as he grabbed an apple and a granola bar for breakfast.

 _did he not come home at all last night?_

he sighed. nothing he could do about that now. 

he slipped on his watch and his backpack and headed out (flipping off the broken lightswitch he’d turned on earlier out of habit), arriving at the front of the dorm building five minutes early. right on time, in his book.

mark and his new friend caught up as they walked to class, swapping stories about their families and life back home. his name was huang renjun, an international business major with a mechanical engineering minor. his dad was loaded, and was paying in full to send him here to prepare him to take over the family business one day. renjun had had his life laid out for him from the moment his parents found out from his ultrasound that they were having a boy, but he didn’t mind. he feared the unknown much more than being herded in a set direction. mark understood him completely. what wasn’t to enjoy about guaranteed comfort? 

they arrived five minutes early (right on time), selecting seats next to each other in the front of the room. mark pulled his binder (yellow for math) out of his backpack, triple checking that he had everything he needed. 

spiral bound notebook, college ruled. loose leaf paper. two mechanical pencils. two ink pens. highlighters in a rainbow of colors. sticky notes. graphing calculator. textbook. sure, you could call him a tryhard for housing an entire stationary store on his back, but he was the one who had passed each and every class throughout high school with flying colors.

he checked his watch. 8:00. right on cue, the professor walked into the room, and the chatter around him subsided. mark clicked the lead out of his pencil. go time.

* * *

“geez, talk about intense!”

renjun marveled as they walked out of the classroom, nodding at the teacher as they passed her desk.

“i’m pretty sure dr. jeong is _the_ professor all of our high school teachers warned us about.”

he hissed in a whisper as soon as they cleared the door frame. 

“yeah, she’s pretty hard core.”

mark agreed, even though he didn’t mind the strictness. it was your standard first day procedure, complete with the awkward first roll call and syllabus outline. 

“i better see highlighters, pens, pencils, any writing utensil out to circle the date i have printed at the top of this page."

dr. jeong had instructed, weaving through desks as she passed out three whole punched hard copies of the syllabus, printed on goldenrod paper. 

**final exam- december 11, 8:00 am**

“and i mean _begins_ at 8:00 am.”

she said, making her way back to the front of the class. 

“doors _close_ at 8:00 am, and they don’t open back up. this is an early bird’s class, and for some reason, my students seem to take that as a free pass to sleep in whenever they so please, missing out on valuable learning time. if that’s your prerogative, so be it. this is just my way of motivating you to be here when it counts. if you’re late, you’re absent. and that’s an automatic fail. no exceptions. i am sure none of you want to be forced to retake this class and listen to this speech for a second time.”

the room had filled with shocked murmurs after her spiel was over, but mark just calmly selected a pink highlighter and went over the bolded date. from the day he was born (exactly on his due date), he’d never been tardy to anything. he would be there, ten minutes early this time. 

“do you want to grab lunch?”

renjun asked brightly as they walked side by side down the sidewalk, the august sun making mark wish he owned more t-shirts.

“yeah sure!! that sounds great!”

mark cringed internally. he probably sounded like renjun had just asked him on a trip to disney world. but how could he not be excited! New Mark Era had been off to a shaky start, but here he was, making lunch plans with a friend! they were nearing their dorm, and mark caught a flash of movement in his window on the third floor. he stopped in his tracks. donghyuck was back.

“actually, can we take a rain check on that? my roommate is home, and we had sort of… an odd introduction last night. i want to make sure i get everything squared away with him before he goes off to class or something.”

“sure!”

renjun hiked his backpack higher up on his small shoulders, looking slightly disappointed. 

“good luck with your roommate, i’ll see you around! we’ll get coffee and study one of these days. i can already tell i’ll need all the help i can get, and i sense you’re the type to make some killer flashcards.”

“it’s one of my many talents.”

mark laughed.

“and yeah! coffee. that sounds nice.”

he smiled, waving as renjun continued on in the direction of the dining hall. mark puffed out his cheeks, watching donghyuck’s silhouette pass in front of their window again. he wasn’t sure if he was well rested enough to handle another one of their interactions. he blew out the breath he had been holding in, scanning his student i.d. to unlock the door to the building. 

_now or never_. 

he thought begrudgingly. who knew when his roommate would run off again.

he neared the door to his room, raising his hand to knock before stopping himself short with a scoff. this was _his_ room too, he didn’t have to ask permission to enter. why was he acting like hyuck called all the shots around here? he hadn’t even bothered to show up on time. 

mark cleared his throat, puffing out his chest a bit as he opened the door, reaching for the light switch again on instinct. it flickered on feebly this time, much to his surprise.

“i fixed it, kinda. you’re welcome.” 

hyuck said, without turning around. mark closed the door slowly behind him. 

“it still flickers sometimes, like a strobe light. makes this joint feel like a club or something.”

“i’ve never… been to one of those.”

mark screwed his eyes shut. why did he have to open his mouth sometimes?

“well duh. i guess that you probably got most of your teenage rebellion knowledge strictly from movies.”

hyuck moved to the dresser, shoving clothes into the drawer without folding them. mark’s hands twitched at his sides with the urge to walk over and shake the wrinkles out. 

“as i was saying, the light turns on, but it flashes enough to be seizure inducing. it’s probably an electrical wiring issue, and i don’t feel like getting fried for the second time in 24 hours.”

the joke hung limp between them. mark counted the seconds of awkward silence.

_1, 2, 3, 4-_

“please tell me you got that joke.”

mark chewed his lip, weighing his options. admit that no, he didn’t catch it, and he might as well have a nametag on that said _hi, my name is wet blanket!_ lie and say he did understand, and hyuck would probably challenge him to explain it. a challenge mark would fail.

“i gather by your silence you have no idea what i’m talking about.”

donghyuck finally turned around to address him. 

“tough crowd. i won’t quit my day job, i guess. it’s a weed joke. a play on words, if you will. fried by electrocution versus fried as in high? i can’t believe i am really standing here explaining this to you, _god_ we have a lot to work on.”

mark was too distracted to be embarrassed, because when hyuck finally turned around, he noticed two things. 

  1. their eye bags were shockingly pronounced, as if they hadn’t slept a wink last night
  2. he was wearing the same clothes he had walked out in last night, albeit much more rumpled. one of their boots were untied, as if they had slipped it on in a hurry.



“hey, where were you this morning?”

mark asked, at the same time hyuck blurted out;

“harry potter!"

mark blinked.

“excuse me?”

“harry potter!”

hyuck pointed at him.

“i’ve been trying to figure out who you reminded me of. and with the red sweater to top it all off, holy shit. i’m half expecting you to brandish a wand at me and avada kedavra me out of here. can you pull a lumos out of your ass real quick and fix our lightbulb?”

donghyuck laughed. mark stared.

“anyways, has anyone ever told you that you look like him?”

mark rolled his eyes.

“yeah real original, round glasses and black hair, i get it. i was practically forced to be him for halloween in 6th grade and i’ve never even seen the movies. or read the books.”

“no fucking way! i thought a harry potter phase was a rite of passage in middle school.”

“maybe for millennials who work at buzzfeed, but i was more of a percy jackson man myself.”

“slander!”

hyuck clenched their chest in mock agony.

“i was desperately in love with daniel radcliffe when i was 13, this is no laughing matter. you’re even more hopeless than i thought, mark lee.”

he turned back to shoving his clothes down in the dresser drawer, trying to cram as many in as possible. mark grimaced.

“so, back to my question. where were you this morning? i can’t imagine you had a class before seven.'

“oh dear god no. i just never came back last night.”

hyuck replied nonchalantly, using their elbow now to flatten a pair of jeans into the drawer.

“here, let me just-”

mark crossed the room in three strides, unable to take it anymore. he nudged his roommate out of the way and grabbed a sweatshirt off the top of hyuck’s clothes pile and shook it out, folding it neatly.

“thanks harry.”

hyuck replied, flopping backwards onto his bed like it was a pool.

“aren’t you going to ask me where i was last night?”

he asked, looking up with feigned innocence at mark from where they were laying, with their hands clasped behind their head.

“well, i was, until your horrendous unpacking job threatened my sanity.”

mark grumbled, smoothing a crease out of a black t shirt. hyuck tilted his head back and laughed in satisfaction. 

mark stared at their exposed neck. the way their adams apple bobbed and the vein in the side popped out while they laughed. the thin chain, glinting gold and resting across his collarbone. he wanted to reach out and trace his finger along the moles that dotted their caramel skin like constellations. mark blinked, busying himself with the clothes in his hand. why did he keep getting so distracted?"

“i knew if i kept messing it up, you’d eventually cave and come do it for me.”

mark rolled his eyes.

“is that so?”

“mhm. and i was right, wasn’t i? that’s a pattern you’ll pick up on soon enough. it’s better if you just accept it now, hyung.”

mark’s hands paused on the pajama pants he was folding, his gaze snapping up to meet hyuck’s.

“mark- mark is just fine. we aren’t close or anything like that.”

his throat was doing the sahara desert impersonation again.

“who says we won’t be soon?”

hyuck asked, his voice barely above a whisper. 

mark wanted so badly to look away. but he couldn’t. this was a game. he was back on the narrow bench in his crew shell, clutching the oars and eyeing the boats in the lanes beside them. he was behind the podium before the judges at a debate meet, delivering his crushing closing statement with a smirk. he wasn’t going to lose.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about, donghyuck.”

“ask me where i was last night.”

hyuck was unwavering. mark set the pants he was holding down on the bed. 

“i don’t care where you were last night.”

“yes you do. ask.”

hyuck’s eyes. they were so brown, so dark, rich. like cacao nibs, like black coffee.

“why.”

“ask.”

“where were you last night?”

donghyuck smiled, sitting up.

“well, since you asked. i got lost trying to find the bathroom after i left, and ran into the guys that let me in last night. they had edibles and thing for blondes. i have a pretty face and thing for handsome strangers. you fill in the rest.”

they smirked.

“not that you have the field experience to do so.”

mark flushed as dark red as his sweater, from his neck to the tip of ears.

“look, donghyuck.”

he clenched his teeth.

“i don’t give a shit what- or _who_ you do, but what is it with the constant digs at me, man? i get it, easy target whatever, but i can’t live with someone who won’t show me basic respect.”

hyuck rolled their eyes.

“not my fault you’re a walking minefield mark lee, i was only joking. come with an instruction manual maybe? a novel on what not to say, since the list seems to be long as fuck?”

“that’s it! i need some air.”

mark shoved the dresser drawer closed, not caring that clothes were sticking out. the picture frame of him and his mom sitting on top wobbled precariously.

“hyung, you didn’t finish folding my clothes!” 

donghyuck whined, as mark slammed the door shut behind him. 

mark stomped down the stairs and out the door of the dorm building, breathing heavily as he rolled his sleeves up his forearms in the afternoon heat. 

_that prick._

he thought to himself.

_who the hell does he think he is? making fun of me and then ordering me to do his laundry?_

he pulled out his phone to text renjun and see if he was free for coffee, but realized with a groan that they had never exchanged numbers. great. so the two people he knew on campus either hated him or were unreachable. what had his plan even been? to storm out like a bratty younger brother and prove a point? he laughed bitterly to himself. like that even stood a chance at making a dent in hyuck’s massive ego.

he didn’t exactly feel like going door to door looking for renjun. what would his mom say? he closed his eyes.

 _take the high road, mark._

she’d always scold him when he came to her complaining, whether it be about the incompetence of his debate partner or a classmate not pulling their weight on a group assignment.

_talk it out with them. find a solution. move forward. be kind._

mark huffed an exasperated sigh at his mother’s imaginary lecture, wiping the sweat off of his brow. well. it was his choice to be the bigger person or collapse from heat stroke. maybe he wouldn’t mind the latter, at least he would be able to catch up on his sleep that was lost last night.

reluctantly, mark dragged his feet back to his room, opening the door without bothering to knock. 

“look donghyuck, i know we have our differences, but-” 

he stopped short, the door hanging open behind him. his roommate was gone. mark’s mouth hung open. where the hell were they? mark couldn’t have been outside for more than five minutes. and besides, no one had walked out of the dorm building, or past him in the hallway. did they climb out of a window? evaporate into thin air? at this point, mark didn’t think anything hyuck did could surprise him.

he sat down at his desk, shedding his sweater, and pulling at his undershirt, which was sticking to him with sweat. he opened his planner. all of his tasks for the day were completed. 

out of ideas, he opened spotify and hit shuffle on his comfort songs playlist, titled ‘from home’. the somber opening riff of slow dancing in a burning room filled his dorm, and mark lee spent the second night of college folding lee donghyuck’s clothes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hyuck is too much fun to write as a character oh my god- i agonized over the first description of him because i wanted to do my best to do him justice hahaha. i hope you enjoyed and all is well!! <3


	3. Chapter 3

mark awoke to sunlight filtering through the broken blinds on the window, highlighting the abundance of dust mites drifting lazily through the air. he reached for his glasses and his planner on the nightstand, yawning as he eyed the clock. it was 9:06 in the morning, and he smiled to himself as he crossed out _“wake up {9:15am}”_ . nothing was better than starting the day ahead of schedule. the next task listed wasn’t until a few hours; _“intro to civil engineering {12:00pm-2:30pm}”_. 

he mentally kicked himself in the shin again for not getting renjun’s number the other day. he finally had a bit of free time, and no company to spend it with. 

_might as well get ready for the day_ ,

he thought, stretching.

 _maybe i’ll bump into renjun in the showers again if i sing loud enough_.

he grabbed a towel and his toiletries bag, shuffling towards the door. his hand had just met the knob when his 9:15am alarm went off behind him, blaring loudly. he jogged back towards his bed, hitting the silence button. he must’ve forgotten to turn it off after waking up early. 

“good thing hyuck isn’t here.” 

he muttered under his breath. they would’ve gone apeshit, and mark didn’t trust himself to keep a level head the next time they clashed either. his nerves were still raw from the last argument they’d had last night, when mark realized that hyuck hadn’t brought the hot plate he’d promised. donghyuck had been the one to storm off this time, slamming the door so hard that the pens on mark’s desk had shaken almost as hard as his fists were, clenched tightly at his sides. 

“yeah, good thing he’s not here.”

drawled a voice to his left.

“what the hell?”

mark whipped around towards the bed he had sworn had been empty a second ago. donghyuck sat up, pulling off an eyemask and leaving it on his forehead like a headband, shedding the puffy duvet that had been hiding him view. they were shirtless, skin practically glowing in the morning sun, and mark willed his eyes to focus on the wall just past their head. making a fool of himself wasn’t on the agenda for this morning. 

“i- i thought that you didn’t come home last night.”

“i figured i might as well, i didn’t want to you miss me.”

hyuck shifted, trying to meet mark’s eyes. mark busied himself with the zipper on his bag. 

“well, if you won’t even look at me, i guess i’ll see myself out.”

hyuck grumbled, feet lightly landing lightly on the floor.

“come on donghyuck, i don’t want to argue again.”

mark finally allowed himself to look at his roommate, squinting at the way the sun glinted off the pendant that rested on his bare chest. a cross, just like the one mark wore, except hyuck's was dainter, more feminine, with a thinner chain and a tiny ruby set in the center. mark raised his eyebrows. donghyuck seemed like the last person on earth to be religious, but the necklace suited them, ornate and polished to shine.

hyuck’s hand came up to rub the charm, as if he could feel mark’s eyes glued to it. they sighed.

“me either. which is why i feel like i should probably leave as a preventative measure.”

they grabbed their backpack and headed towards the door, pulling it open without bothering to put a shirt on. 

“i’m going to shower, don’t follow me.”

he said flatly, swinging the door shut behind him.

“hey!”

mark shouted, bounding to catch the door before it shut.

“i have to shower too! what do you mean, don’t follow you?”

but hyuck had already turned the corner, swinging their bag and whistling without so much as a sideways glance in mark’s direction. he rocked on his heels dejectedly. was it worth it to head to the bathroom anyways, even if he knew it would just end in another petty argument? but why should he sit here and wait around for donghyuck’s _permission_ to take a fucking shower? 

_fuck this._

he thought, grip tightening on the door frame.

_be kind, mark._

his mother’s advice nipped at the edges of his brain, but he blocked it out. now was not the time to act as a human doormat. donghyuck was going to walk all over him until proven otherwise, and if that kept happening, mark wasn’t sure how he could stay sane. 

“you got this. you got this!”

he steeled himself, running a hand through his bedhead. 

“this is a debate. you’re pro ‘why donghyuck shouldn’t act like an asshole.” 

he looked up, hearing a creak from a few doors down. a head of fluffy brown hair peered out into the hallway, looking around. mark recognizd the collar on their pajamas immediately. 

“renjun, hey! i didn’t know we were practically neighbors.” 

he smiled halfheartedly, hand scrubbing the back of his neck. renjun stepped into the hallway, his pajama pants swishing as he walked.

“i’ve been kicking myself for the past couple of days for forgetting to give you my number, and turns out we’ve practically been sharing a wall this whole time.”

he laughed.

“anyways, i heard yelling out here. is everything alright?”

“not exactly.”

mark leaned against the doorframe.

“it’s my roommate. i told you about our rocky start and it’s only gone downhill from there.”

“i’m sorry.”

renjun moved closer, concern filling his eyes. 

“do you want to talk about it? maybe i can give you advice on how to deal with him? you wouldn’t believe the amount of snobs i’ve had to deal with at charity balls growing up.”

“that would actually be really nice.”

renjun clapped his hands, rubbing them together.

“awesome! meet back out here after we get dressed? there’s a starbucks in the dining hall and some outdoor seating, it’s nice out today and my mom has been nagging me about not getting enough vitamin d.”

“sounds perfect."

mark felt his face break into a lopsided smile, the stress of the morning dimming as he retreated into his room to apply extra deodorant and dry shampoo; it looked like hyuck got to win the shower turf war this time. 

_this time_. 

mark reinforced as he sprayed cologne on his neck. New Mark era was on a slow but steady incline, and he wasn’t about to let one boy get in the way of that. one, extremely pretty boy.

_besides the point!_

mark scolded his reflection, violently trying to banish the image of hyuck standing shirtless before him that morning, nervously thumbing their cross pendant, all of the sunlight in the room seemingly glued to his skin as if he were apollo personified. 

_slow down_.

mark rubbed his eyes underneath his glasses. the last thing donghyuck’s ego needed was to be compared to a god, for crying out loud. as if summoned, the door opened without warning, and hyuck strode in, still toweling off their damp hair. 

“alright, i’m done. shower is all yours, i just needed some privacy. i’ve heard how loud you sing.”

“how- what how do you know?” 

mark sputtered, whipping around. two seconds in the same room, and hyuck was already under mark’s skin like the ink in a tattoo. 

_probably just as painful_.

mark thought bitterly, as hyuck chuckled. he wanted to wipe that dumb satisfied look out of their eyes so badly, but he held back. that’s exactly what donghyuck wanted. 

“you know what? i don’t have time for this. i have coffee with a friend before my next class and i don’t want to be late.”

the smug look hyuck was wearing practically dropped to the floor, and mark bit back a smirk.

“a friend? who?”

they called, but mark was already halfway out of the door. his hair may have been a mess, but nothing had ever felt more in order. he’d taken this round.

* * *

“mark, what the hell were you thinking, practically bending over backwards to put his laundry away for him? you’re an enabler!” 

renjun chided, shaking his venti iced americano with four added shots of espresso. his roomate jaemin had brought his own espresso machine for their dorm, and he brewed the four shot concoction every morning. 

“so now, my caffeine tolerance is way up, and a normal cup of coffee would probably put me to sleep, at this point.”

renjun had explained to mark’s flabbergasted face upon hearing his order. 

“it tastes like jet fuel, but it sure as hell works like it too. carries me all the way through the day!”

mark’s mouth had twisted at the mere thought of the bitter drink, opting to order his usual matcha latte with almond milk. 

“i’m caffeine sensitive.”

he had whined, seeing rejun’s eyebrows raise in his peripherals. 

“it gives me a splitting headache for days, and i’m… also lactose intolerant.”

renjun had thrown his head back at that, laughing from his chest, a booming that didn’t seem like it belonged to someone in such a small frame.

“no wonder you can’t handle this guy, heck, you let beans and dairy cheese incapacitate you.”

he had teased, receiving a shove from mark.

“that’s not fair!’ 

mark protested again now, in between blowing puffs of air over his drink to cool it down.

“i didn’t do that for _them_ , i did it for _me_ . i would’ve gone insane if i had to stare at their clothes sticking out of the damn dresser all day. and he _knows_ that!”

“exactly mark, listen to yourself!”

renjun reached across the table, barely covering mark’s hand with his own.

“he _knows_. he knows exactly what he’s doing, and how to get you to pander to him. textbook manipulator right there. he’s used to getting whatever he wants, clearly. personally, i hate him already and would refuse to take that shit, but i don’t have to live with him.”

renjun patted mark’s hand sympathetically. 

it’ll be hard, but you’ll need to pick your battles. if you bite your tongue sometimes instead of giving him the reaction he’s seeking, he’ll get bored and lay off. this is all a source of entertainment to him, and nothing deeper. trust me.”

“i know, i know.”

mark’s foot tapped under the table. 

“thank you though. it resonates more when i have someone else explaining it to me.”

his eyes flicked down to where renjun’s hand was still resting on top of his. he sure was keeping it there for a long time.

“i think i’ll try talking to them tonight. maybe buy us some dinner and try to talk things out? as a bit of a peace offering?”

renjun’s mouth twisted in thought.

“i see where you’re coming from, but do you really even owe him that? i don’t think that he deserves your kindness after the way he’s treated you.”

mark leaned back in his chair.

“i get what you’re saying, but i want to establish at least some sort of good natured-ness between us. and besides, i’m not totally blameless in this situation either. maybe an actual conversation will set us both in the right direction. i don’t want to exist as complete ghosts to each other. it gets lonely when the two of us are always avoiding one another.”

“you’re a better person than i am, mark lee.” 

renjun took a sip of his gasoline in a cup.

“but if it doesn’t go the way you planned, don’t worry about being lonely! i’ll keep you plenty of company.”

“thanks, renjun."

mark looked down at his lap.

“i’ve never really…. had a real friend to help me out with stuff. i really appreciate it.”

“anytime.”

renjun’s eyes crinkled at the edges. 

“you said you had a class at noon, right? we should probably head out now, your stuff is still at the dorms. i’ll walk you back!”

they strolled in a bubble of easy conversation, renjun offering tips on how he should confront hyuck until they got to mark’s door. 

“can i come in for a sec?”

renjun asked, after a brief awkward pause where mark got lost in his own head trying to figure out how you told a friend goodbye. (wave? hug? high five? nothing?).

“i won’t hold you up, i’m just curious you see if all of the dorm rooms are the same.”

renjun explained hurriedly, as mark opened the door. 

“yeah no worries! i’ve got a few minutes to spare, and i took some notes on the calc chapter if you wanted to snap a few pic-”

he stopped short, renjun bumping into his back.

“what’s wron- oh.”

donghyuck was perched upon mark’s desk, legs wound around the waist of a taller boy that had him pinned against the wall. 

hyuck's eyes locked with mark's like a magnet, and he felt something twist in his gut at the sight of his roommate's face, swollen lips parted in a pant, cheeks pink and flushed. something in the very back of his mind wished he were the one looming over them right now. 

“donghyuck!” 

mark shouted; shocked, at the same time that renjun cried out;

“jaemin?”

their heads snapped towards each other.

“your roommate?” 

they exclaimed in comic unison, pointing. 

jaemin pried his lips from donghyuck’s neck, who groaned as they untwisted their legs from his midsection. 

“well this is awkward.”

he mused, striding towards them, although he didn’t seem the slightest bit embarrassed. he extended his arm for handshake, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a smirk, which mark eyed warily. 

“i’m jaemin na, pleased you meet you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the minor cliffhanger, it's 2am and i have an early morning tomorrow, but i'm feeling extra motivated these days so i won't leave you hanging for too long! i'm excited to introduce jaemin to you all, confident characters are the most fun to write. i hope you are all doing well <3


	4. Chapter 4

“i see that you and hyuck seem to have a no knocking policy.”

jaemin ran a hand through his hair after giving mark’s a firm shake. it was dyed a cartoonish shade of bubblegum pink, messy in a ‘movie star mussed’ sort of way. messy in a ‘just had donghyuck’s hands tangled in it’ sort of way. mark bit the inside of his cheek. 

“that’s ok though.”

he chuckled, casting a sideways glance at hyuck, who had finally donned a shirt and made his way off of mark’s desk.

“makes things more… interesting for us.”

donghyuck blushed at that, looking at their feet. mark almost scoffed out loud. he didn’t think it was possible for them to be shy in _any_ capacity. what did jaemin possess to make him so sheepish? he was wearing _bunny slippers_ , for crying out loud.

“jaemin! what about jeno?” 

hissed renjun, causing mark to flinch. he’d almost forgotten his friend was in the room.

“he’s actually joined us on multiple occasions, but thank you for your concern.”

jaemin rolled his eyes, blowing his bangs out of his face.

“you know how we are, junnie. jesus, if you want in with us so badly, just _ask_. we’d be happy to have you sometime.”

he sneered as renjun huffed in exasperation, grabbing his roommate by the arm and dragging him towards to the door. 

“i apologize on behalf of my _acquaintance_ for his behavior!”

he called over his shoulder. he paused before crossing the threshold, shoving jaemin into the hallway so he could address mark.

“good luck mark.”

renjun fiddled with his sleeve. 

“text me after, ok? let me know how it goes.”

mark nodded in appreciation. jaemin waved from the hallway, cupping his hands around his mouth.

“bye, pretty!” 

he shouted to donghyuck. renjun pressed his lips into a thin line.

“i’ll take care of… _that_. anyways, yeah! text me.” 

he shut the door behind him, the sound of him lecturing jaemin echoing down the hallway until mark heard their door close.

“text him about what?”

hyuck asked, after a few beats of silence.

“oh! nothing, just school stuff.”

mark shuffled his feet. 

“so was that one of the handsome strangers you were waving in my face the other day?”

“not so fast.”

hyuck crossed his arms.

“if you’re going to dodge questions, so will i. and who ever said i was rubbing that in your face? did it make you jealous?”

“no.”

“you’re lying.”

donghyuck fired back immediately.

“no, i’m not. i told you up front i don’t care what the hell you get up to.”

mark felt his face heating up.

“i think you do.”

donghyuck’s mouth opened into a slow grin.

“your middle finger. it taps on your leg when you’re telling a lie.”

mark allowed himself a half second glance down at his hand. sure enough,

_taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap_

“mark lee: goes cross eyed when without glasses. taps his finger when he tells a lie. face it, i can read you like a book.”

they tugged on one of the hoops in their ears.

“before you start arguing with me, i’ll see myself out. i know, i know, very proactive and mature of me. i’m full of surprises.” 

he started towards the door, toying with the drawstring on his sweatpants.

“donghyuck, will you be home tonight?”

mark blurted out, before he could convince himself that this was a bad idea.

 _be direct_ ,

renjun had advised on their walk back to the dorm that morning.

_be firm, but friendly. this guy feeds off of hostility. don’t give him any fuel._

“actually, can you be home tonight? please? to have dinner?”

“what, do i have a curfew now?”

hyuck planted his hands on his hips, daring mark to get frustrated.

_be kind!!!_

his mom screamed in his mind. this time, he listened. 

“no, i just wanted to treat you to a meal? and talk? we just haven’t been able to have any real conversations, and we probably should? because we live together? and i hate fighting? so this is kinda like…. a peace offering?” 

he winced. why had he phrased everything like a question? so much for being firm.

donghyuck’s features softened a microscopic amount, but enough to put mark’s nerves at ease. 

“this feels like a trap, but yes.”

hyuck’s hands went back to fiddling with their drawstring. mark watched their nimble fingers as they tied it into a bow. their nails were freshly painted black.

“7?”

“huh?”

mark tore his gaze away, clearing his throat. 

“is 7 ok? for dinner. i’ll make sure i’m back by then.”

“yeah, 7 is perfect.”

mark shoved his hands into his pockets, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

“i’ll uhhhh. see you then. it’s a date!”

he added, laughing.

“as if. don’t flatter yourself, mark lee.”

hyuck deadpanned as they opened the door, but mark caught the smile nipping at their tone.

* * *

_firm, yet friendly. be forward. stand your ground. get straight to the point._

renjun’s instructions rang through mark’s head as he waited in line to pick up the ramyeon he had ordered for dinner. he had realized too late that the dorm wasn’t exactly the most accommodating space for eating a meal, they didn’t own any other furniture besides the two desks the space had come with. in a hurry, mark had spread one of his blankets on the floor for him and hyuck to sit on.

 _that’s kind of cute_ , 

he thought now, smiling to himself.

 _like a little makeshift picnic_.

hyuck would probably complain loudly about having to sit on the floor, regardless. for some reason, the thought of that made mark’s smile widen. 

“order for mark?”

the girl behind the counter called out, pulling mark back from wherever his mind had been roaming. he thanked her, grabbing his food and heading outside. the cold nipped at his ears, the sun just barely visible above the horizon of buildings at the edge of campus. the walk back to the dorms was short, but mark wished he had more time. he liked to have a mental script drafted before he had to talk about anything important, but it was as if donghyuck was some sort of chronic mental blocker. he couldn’t concentrate enough to formulate what exactly he wanted to say. 

_firm, friendly, forward. firm, friendly, forward._

he eyed renjun’s door as he passed it, wishing he had time to stop by for some last minute advice. 

_firm, friendly, forward. firm, friendly, forward._

he reached for the door handle, hand meeting air as the door swung open before he could touch it. 

“you’re late.” 

hyuck greeted him, waving around a lighter he was holding. he grabbed mark’s free hand, twisting his wrist to view his watch. 

“yup. 7:08. i expected better, lee.”

“ha ha ha.”

mark deadpanned, stepping into the room. he looked around. there were candles perched on every available surface, and hyuck was currently busying himself with lighting more, placed around the blanket mark had lain out earlier. the space was filled with a shivering, orange glow, like they were sitting inside of a paper lantern. 

“my hack job on our light bulb didn’t last.”

hyuck explained, noticing mark staring at their handiwork. 

“this was the next best thing, up against you struggling for an hour to locate your fork in the dark. i found all of these in the storage closet by the stairwell. for religious ceremonies or something, i’m guessing? i know there’s a church on campus and plenty of jesus freak clubs.”

donghyuck brought the lighter close to his face. it made his nose stud glow, like it was molten. 

“or maybe they have a stockpile for candlelight vigils. for when someone in our class inevitably drinks too much and crashes their car into a pole.”

he blew the flame out, smiling up at mark as if he hadn’t been excessively morbid a mere moment before. 

“so. what’d you bring me?”

“oh! right. uh, i got us some ramyeon. i added chicken to yours for a protein, it seemed like the best bet.”

he joined hyuck where he was on the blanked, sitting cross legged and setting the food down in between them. 

“what is it?”

he asked wearily, catching hyuck’s pouting face.

“i’m vegetarian.”

they sighed.

 _of course. of course you are_.

mark thought. this was off to a great start.

“shit, sorry i had no idea. we haven’t exactly done much getting to know each other these past couple of days. if you want, i can run down to the dining hall and-”

“no, it’s fine.”

hyuck waved a dismissive hand, breaking apart the wooden chopsticks their takeout had come with.

“i’ll just pick it out. you’ll have double chicken now, it’s a win win.”

“that was surprisingly easy.”

mark mused, stirring his noodles around. the steam clouded up his glasses, and he slipped them off, cleaning them on the edge of his sweater.

“your insults don’t land when you’re cross eyed.”

donghyuck retorted, slurping loudly. 

“i know i’m difficult sometimes. but i can tell that you’re used to being right. and it’s fun to challenge that.”

“fun?” 

mark raised his eyebrows, settling his glasses on the bridge of his nose.

“fun for who, exactly?”

“me.”

hyuck said matter of factly, cheeks puffy and full of food. 

“well, i’m glad i can be a source of entertainment to you.”

mark grumbled.

“oh come on, don’t get butthurt already, we haven’t even gotten into anything serious yet.”

donghyuck plopped a piece of chicken into mark’s bowl.

“you said you wanted to get to know me, for whatever reason. go ahead then, ask away.”

“i didn’t exactly write up a questionnaire, but let’s start simple. what’s your family like? any siblings, stuff like that.”

hyuck set their chopsticks down. 

“i lived with my dad. i have three younger siblings. two sisters and brother. we lived in the city, where the houses are tiny and packed close like sardines. i probably could have stretched my arm out of my bedroom window and grabbed my neighbor through theirs.”

he laughed to himself, lost in thought.

“i remember the front screen door was broken, and when it was windy, it would slam against the house and i would hide because i thought someone had broken in. that’s why i sleep with the covers pulled all the way over my head.”

they explained. 

“ah, so that’s why i didn’t see you yesterday morning. effective.”

“yeah, there you go.”

hyuck laughed halfheartedly.

“my dad worked your standard nine to five downtown, which is why we lived where we did. he would ride his bike to work, and walk when the sidewalks were snowy in the winter. his job payed just fine, but obviously money was stretched pretty tight across four kids. that left me to play caretaker, since my mom… wasn’t there. yeah. i miss them. my little brothers and sister, i mean. i don’t miss the cooking and cleaning. or my dad. i know i was just doing what i had to do but… i think i’ll always resent him for dumping all that responsibility on me. the only time i wasn’t required to be an adult was after everyone had gone to sleep. my dad didn’t give a fuck what i did or where i went, as long as i was home to wake my siblings up for school. those are the only hours i got to have to myself. well. myself and whoever i wanted my company to be that night.”

he glanced at mark before continuing. 

“my dad sent me here with a lot of false hope. i think he expects me to dramatically succeed and get a great job so i can help out, but i don’t know what the hell he expects me to do. i’m not some miracle worker, and now i’m in fucking student loan debt. feels pretty counterintuitive to me, like i’m moving backwards by being here.”

they laughed bitterly. 

“that just about covers it.”

the candlelight casted shadows across his face. he looked older, tired.

“what about you, mark lee? were you raised on the set of the brady bunch or full house?”

“neither, come on.”

mark held out his bowl to accept more chicken from donghyuck’s outstretched chopsticks. 

“i grew up mostly with just my mom and i, in our apartment. my dad passed away when i was six. i don’t really remember life before that point, to be honest. it’s all filled in with stories people told me and stories i probably just made up to comfort myself until i believed they were real.”

he stared into the broth of his ramyeon, watching the oil and spices swirl around lazily.

“i’m realizing now that there isn’t much to say about my life. it’s very uneventful. i’m here for myself, but also to make my parents proud. that’s why i do anything in my life, honestly. to give them a reason to think highly of me. i’ve always done well, and i can’t slip up. there’s no room anywhere for mistakes. ever.”

“you sound a lot like harry potter right now, you know.”

hyuck picked up their lighter again, flicking it on and off.

“what does that have to do with anything.”

“complaining about being perfect. must be _so_ difficult being the chosen one.”

“that’s not fair.”

mark protested, frowning.

“i’m not complaini-”

“no arguing.” 

donghyuck cut him off.

“have you seen this movie?”

he stuck out his tongue, holding the flame dangerously close.

“well?”

he asked expectantly, the word distorted around his tongue hanging out of his mouth, dark pink in the candle light.

“i’m so confused right now- _hey_!” 

mark shouted as donghyuck inched the lighter close enough for the fire to graze the tip of his tongue. mark snatched the lighter out of his hand.

“what the fuck! why would you do that?”

“calm down, it didn’t even hurt!”

hyuck doubled over, giggling. 

“and besides, it’s your fault for taking so damn long to guess the movie. jennifer’s body? that part where megan fox burns her tongue? nothing?”

they searched for recognition in mark’s eyes.

“damn. were you raised fundamentalist or something? like was tv forbidden?"

“no, not that.”

mark thought for a moment. 

“just raised… busy.”

donghyuck shrugged. 

“alright weirdo. ask me another question. dig deeper this time.”

mark chewed a bite of food thoughtfully.

“your pronouns. what made you want to change them?”

hyuck’s mouth twisted.

“if you don’t want to answer that’s ok! i don’t want you to feel like you have to explain yourself to me or anything like that at all. i’m just… curious i guess.”

“no, it’s ok.” 

donghyuck twisted the ring on his middle finger. 

“i’m just not used to people being interested, is all. i mean, most guys i tell just nod and then just ignore the ‘they’ altogether, and you make sure to use them both. i noticed. so... thank you.” 

he stared at the blanket they were sitting on. 

“i guess it all really came to light a couple of years ago. and it’s not just something that you make up one day. i think it was just waiting in the back of my mind somewhere for me to be secure enough to realize it. of course, everyone is very different. i am only speaking for myself here.”

mark nodded in understanding. 

“people have always told me that i’m pretty. when i was young, my dad would argue with my mom that i needed to be put in blue clothes at all times because people would mistake me for a little girl. and as i got older, i realized that it felt good to lean into that. portraying myself to be more fem, i mean. it made me feel really good. but for some reason, whenever i looked in the mirror, i would just see a _guy_ playing dress up. and maybe that’s just internalised misogyny speaking, i don’t know. but even though that label is imaginary, it felt stifling. it made me resent myself, like it was holding me back from who i wanted to be. so i changed it. i kept ‘he’ because i still acknowledge that part of myself, it hasn’t gone anywhere. but thinking about myself as ‘they’ primarily helps take a lot of the pressure off of myself. like i’m not expected to conform to a certain gender, to look or dress or act like anyone, anything. just… me.” 

they played with the fraying edges of their jeans, avoiding mark’s gaze.

“that takes a lot of self awareness. i don’t think i’ve met many people that possess the maturity to truly understand themselves. i... i admire that donghyuck.”

“thanks, but i don’t need your psychoanalysis or the ‘you’re so brave’ speech right now.”

mark felt his eyes narrow.

“i was trying to compliment you donghyuck, god, i don’t understand why-”

he bit his lip to shut himself up.

_friendly. stay civil. this is a peace offering, remember?_

“actually, next question.”

mark clapped his hands together.

“why do you dislike me? it really seemed like we were getting somewhere but you won’t quit with the cheap shots, so obviously you have a bone to pick with me. let’s just air it out right now.”

“fine!”

hyuck crossed his arms.

“i hate that i have to live with a living, breathing version of everything i’m not. i hate that i have to watch you succeed at all of my pitfalls with ease. i hate knowing how much happier my dad would be with you as a son. and most of all, i’m tired of _you_ pretending that you’re none the wiser.”

mark opened his mouth to protest, but hyuck steamrolled on.

“no. you can’t pretend like you have no idea what i’m talking about. you ooze hometown hero out of every pore. the dumb sweaters. the perfect grades, the full list of extracurriculars. _crew captain_ , for crying out loud! i know the reason that you can’t accept not being liked by me is because you’re used to being adored by everyone. i bet all of your loyal followers back home even voted you homecoming king.”

“i don’t know why you put me on such a pedestal, donghyuck.”

mark laughed in disbelief. 

“let me spell it you for you, since you misread me so terribly. i didn’t even go to homecoming. or any dance, for that matter. or have friends in general. so yeah, i hate the fact that you don’t like me, i’ll admit that. but that’s because i was so excited at the prospects of finally making a friend other than my fucking _mom_ , and you didn’t even bother to show up on time.”

“wait. you didn’t go to a single dance?”

hyuck’s eyes were wide.

“no, but you’re missing the point entirely here.”

“i knew you were boring, but this is… this is reaching new heights. my turn to ask questions.”

mark sighed in defeat. he was too exhausted to put up a fight. 

“have you gotten drunk before?”

“no.”

“high?”

“no, that weed joke went straight over my head, remember?”

“how could i forget, that was pathetic.”

hyuck muttered under his breath.

“so i take it you’re a virgin then.”

mark felt his face heat up, hotter than the candles surrounding them. heck, he felt like a bonfire.

“that’s…. that’s personal donghyuck, come on.”

he tugged at the collar of his sweater as his roommate smirked at him.

“so that’s a yes then.”

mark avoided responding by shoveling the last of his ramyeon into his mouth. hyuck clicked their tongue.

“no _wonder_ you’re wound so fucking tight.”

“i can assure you that has nothing to do with anything, jesus.”

a bead of sweat ran down the side of his neck.

“so…. have you ever even been kissed?”

mark shook his head.

“been on a date? _held hands_ , for crying out loud?”

mark shook his head, looking down at his feet as hyuck’s mouth dropped open.

“that’s it.”

donghyuck stood up with a start, hurrying to mark’s desk and beginning to rifle through the folders and binders he had placed there.

“woah, woah, woah, what the hell are you doing?”

mark shot to his feet, frantic.

“stay there! i just need paper and something to write with real quick.”

hyuck commanded, ripping a loose leaf sheet out of a binder and snagging a pen from one of mark’s jars.

“the problem is mark,”

hyuck began, sitting back down and pulling the cap of the pen off with their teeth.

“is that, you haven’t _lived_. c’mon, never partied, never loved, i’m convinced at this point that you straight up have never had fun in your entire life.”

“that’s not true, i-”

mark whined, shutting his mouth after donghyuck shot him a pointed glance.

“you haven’t. trust me, i’m what they call a _connoisseur_ of fun.”

donghyuck grinned, running their tongue over their teeth. mark gulped.

“it’s just… those things get in the way of the important stuff. and i need to stay focused on school, i _have_ to focus.”

“you’re in college now! you have actual freedom now, why not use it?”

hyuck countered. mark sighed. 

“what do you have in mind?”

donghyuck laid his piece of paper down on the blanket, thinking for a moment before writing: 

_“the living list”_

in flowing script across the top.

_“alternate title: the high school missed list”_

he scrawled in all caps underneath.

“now, no peeking, i don’t want your input. let the expert handle this.”

hyuck turned their back to mark, writing against the hard floor and pausing every few seconds before continuing on. mark watched their back rise and fall with each breath, shadows from the candles dancing across their thin white shirt. mark could count each vertebrate flexed in their spine when they were bent over like that.

“stop staring, i can practically feel your eyes boring into my back.”

donghyuck quipped, without even turning around.

“sorry.”

mark mumbled, casting his eyes to the ceiling.

“ok, done!”

hyuck waved the paper in the air triumphantly, as if he had just won a game of capture the flag. he slid the paper over to mark, watching him expectantly as he scanned it.

_to be completed in no particular order, can be added to at any time:_

_-break a dorm room rule_

_-attend a party and/or club (get wasted)_

_-get high_

_-first kiss!_

_-steal something_

_-get ur pathetic ass laid_

mark’s eyes practically bugged out of his head as they traveled down the list.

“i have some feedback. some concerns. like first of all, i’m not going to _steal_ , donghyuck. that’s a crime!”

his voice cracked.

“boringggg!”

donghyuck faked a yawn.

“this feels like corruption.” 

“that’s because it’s exactly what it is.”

hyuck looked positively giddy, the firelight reflecting in their eyes.

“but don’t think of it as a bad thing. this is for your own good mark lee, trust me.”

“how do you expect me to knowingly participate in a bonafide corruption bucket list?”

mark exclaimed. 

“nooo no, not a bucket list.”

hyuck corrected.

“bucket lists are for people who are dying. we’re trying to get you to do the opposite.”

mark pressed his lips together.

“and besides. i know a part of you wants it. to _experience_. think of it as an experiment! you love that type of shit.”

mark squeezed his eyes shut.

_don’t agree with him!_

the rational part of his brain bellowed.

_you’re going to regret it! stay focused on what you came here to achieve!_

“ok.”

he heard himself say.

“i’m in. fine.”

“that’s what i like to hear!” 

donghyuck cheered, giving a one person round of applause. amidst the commotion, a candle sitting nearby tipped over, sending melted wax cascading across the floor.

“shit!”

mark yelped, scrambling to pick it up.

“is this even allowed? i feel like if one of us sneezes too hard we’ll burn the whole joint down.”

hyuck gasped, realization dawning in his eyes.

“y’know what, it actually _isn’t_ allowed! candles in dorm rooms i mean- i heard jeno mention it to jaemin the other night.”

they smiled, eyes sparkling. 

“congratulations, mark lee. you just lived a little.”

he reached down to cross

_-break a dorm room rule_

off of the list.

“now let’s clean up before anyone notices the fact that our room is practically a fire starter right now.”

the two cleaned up the trash from dinner, blowing out the candles and cracking a window to let the smoke escape. mark returned the blanket to his bed, yawning as he eyed the clock; 12:38 am. they had talked for five hours.

“time flies when you’re having fun.”

hyuck said from his bed, as if reading mark’s mind.

“thank you. for the meal i mean. and listening. this was nice.”

“of course!” 

mark shuffled his feet. 

“i’m going to head to bed then. i have calc early tomorrow morning.”

“i don’t know how you do it.”

donghyuck mused, shaking his head.

“i’ll call it for tonight too, i guess. it’s easier to actually sleep here when i want to strangle you a _little_ less.”

“what a relief.”

mark replied sarcastically, easing himself under the covers.

“notice i said only a _little_ bit, don’t get too cocky.”

hyuck slipped off their shirt. 

“your ass is still on the line, mark lee.”

mark caught a glimpse of their necklace glinting in the moonlight.

“hey, can i ask you one more question?”

he sat up in bed, suppressing a yawn.

“go ahead.”

“your necklace. why do you wear it?”

hyuck bit his lip, saying nothing. mark’s heartbeat quickened with the urge to fill the silence.

“it’s just that you don’t seem like the type to be religious so i was just curious why you would wear a-”

“why do you wear yours?”

donghyuck interrupted. the air of comfort the two had created was completely vanished.

“huh?”

“your cross. why do you wear it? i’ve never seen you pray before either.”

“oh.”

mark uttered, caught off guard. the right words to explain seemed to be evading him.

“i- i uh.”

“exactly.”

hyuck’s voice was flat as they climbed underneath their mountain of a duvet.

“some things you just don’t ask. goodnight mark lee.”

“goodnight hyuck.”

mark replied quietly, waiting until they had donned their eye mask before reaching out to grab his planner, and flipping to the next open page.

_hyuck_

he printed at the top, by the light of the moon spotlighting through the window. 

_-vegetarian_

_-likes to be referred to as they_

_-don’t ask about their necklace_

he placed his planner back on the bedside table alongside his glasses, rolling over and falling asleep almost instantly, his dreams plagued with flickering candles, ramyeon noodles, and a boy with blonde hair and glowing skin that had been kissed by the sun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, it took me four whole chapters to introduce the plot. yes, i am sleep deprived. as usual, i hope everyone is doing as best as they can! stay safe <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm back! sorry for the delay, life has been pretty hectic lately, but thank you so much for the kind feedback, it really got me motivated to keep going :') a quick disclaimer that hyuck's at-home piercing process mentioned in this chapter are NOT official instructions, it's probably just best if you never heed any of his actions in this story lol. now that that's out of the way, enjoy! i hope that everyone is well and staying safe! <3

“and then he just… completely clammed up again?”

renjun asked, brow furrowed as he leaned across the aisle of desks to listen. they had both finished their classwork early, and mark was taking the spare time to fill him in on his dinner with donghyuck the previous night.

“yeah, i overstepped a bit i guess.”

mark shrugged, keeping a careful eye trained on dr. jeong to make sure she wasn’t catching wind of their whispers. he wanted to make a special effort towards staying on her good side.

“progress is still progress though, right?” 

he smiled to himself, remembering the way the candlelight had danced in donghyuck’s brown eyes, warming them into swirling pools of amber flickering with excitement. he had elected to leave the information about his “living list” out of the story. he figured renjun would disprove of the idea, (as most reasonable people would), and the thought of having something just for the two of them gave mark a warm sense of satisfaction. like their own little secret. and maybe it was selfish, but there were just some parts of hyuck that mark didn’t feel like sharing. 

“i get that, but still.” 

rejun looked skeptical. 

“i don’t want you to get your hopes up. it doesn’t really sound like he’s interested in being friends.”

an air of judgement clouded his usually kind eyes in a way that made mark’s darken. 

“i think he does.”

_ incredible comeback mark, really stellar. _

he groaned internally as he sat back in his chair, pretending to add something to his math notes to avoid looking at renjun, who was hissing an apology to try to get his attention. dr. jeong cleared her throat.

“is something the matter, gentleman?”

she asked, without taking her eyes off of her computer screen. the entire classroom seemed to be holding their breath.

“nothing ma’am!”

mark offered his best teacher’s pet smile. he was in his element.

“rejun here just had a question about finding an identical vertically scaled function, he couldn’t remember if the scaler variable had to be attached or detached to the x value. i guess i zoned out trying to find an example for him, i could honestly do these in my sleep!”

he added a chuckle at the end for good measure, which dr. jeong returned. 

“maybe i should have you teach this class, mr. lee.”

“i’d have to schedule around my earth sciences class, they already already have me booked and busy teaching the sediment unit.”

he joked back. dr. jeong laughed again, louder this time. mark sat back in satisfaction, noticing renjun’s jaw agape to his left. if there was one thing mark lee could do, it was schmooze.

* * *

he walked back to his dorm alone, although he could hear the soft steps of renjun close behind. it wasn’t that he  _ wanted _ to prolong the tension between his first friend, but he didn’t know what to say to him right now, knowing how lowly he thought of hyuck. after hearing more about their life last night, mark felt as though he understood his roommate more than he could have imagined. and renjun assuming the worst without knowing anything rubbed mark the wrong way. they continued in silent indifference up the stairs, until mark felt a small hand graze his shoulder as the two boys reached their hallway. he sighed, turning to face renjun, who’s face was pinched with worry. 

“look mark, i’m sorry about what i said. i don’t even know the guy. that was unfair.”

mark felt his coldness melt away. renjun may be quick to judge, but he made up for it in stride with his compassion. 

“i don’t want this to drive a rift in between us. i’m just looking out for you.  _ but _ if you say he’s not totally awful, i suppose i can try and hear you out.”

he huffed in mock reluctance. mark smiled, relieved.

“now that we’re good, can we talk about that stunt you pulled in calc with dr. jeong? i’m pretty sure she has a crush on you now.”

renjun jabbed a finger in mark’s face.

“what the hell was that?”

mark threw up his hands in mock surrender.

“what can i say? i can turn it on sometimes.”

“turn what on, exactly?” 

drawled a voice behind him.

all the saliva in mark’s mouth vanished. he risked a glance over his shoulder, even though he already knew who he’d find there. sure enough, hyuck was leaning in the doorway to their dorm. lazily throwing an apple up and down. he was dressed like the teenage protagonist in the goonies or some other cheesy 80’s movie; in a purple crewneck tucked into straight leg jeans, cuffed over dirty white converse. tiny daisy charms dangled from their earlobes, they even had a scrunchie around their wrist, and his nails were painted the same shade of red as the apple he was tossing and catching without even glancing at it. an apple from the bag that mark had bought specifically for his breakfasts, and yet he couldn’t even find it in himself to care that donghyuck was raiding his food stash without asking. well. maybe a little.

“nothing, just something from class.”

renjun crossed his arms.

“you had to be there.”

“no, tell me.”

donghyuck stood up straight, strolling into the hallway.

“mark lee turning on the charm? this is something i gotta hear about.”

they took a bite of the apple. mark’s eyes lingered on the their tongue as it darted from between their lips to catch a bit of juice that had escaped from the fruit.

“it was nothing, really.”

mark laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck.

“renjun and i had been talking in class, and the teacher called us out so i just…. diverted her attention i guess.”

“what he means is that he  _ majorly _ kissed her ass.”

renjun quipped. hyuck’s eyebrows flew up into his blonde hair.

“wow lee, i didn’t know you had it in you.”

he took another bite of his apple, chewing thoughtfully.

“a kiss ass, huh? i’m not sure if i believe you though. you’ll have to show me sometime.”

they winked. mark’s mind whirred louder than a deep freeze.

“uh-”

he responded intelligently, willing himself to close his mouth so it wouldn’t be left hanging open like the fish his dad used to drag him out to the docks to catch. donghyuck seemed quite satisfied with that answer, flashing his canines before sinking them back into the apple. mark swallowed. he felt like he was standing underneath a weighted blanket.

“anyways.”

renjun cleared his throat, jerking mark’s focus away from donghyuck’s lips. 

“i was about to ask you for help before we were... interrupted.”

he casted a weary look in donghyuck’s direction, who was inspecting imaginary dust on their nail polish.

“do you maybe want to grab coffee? i think i actually do need to help on that stuff with vertical scalers.”

his friend looked a bit embarrassed.

“i know this is all review right now, but i’m a bit rusty.”

“that’s too bad.”

hyuck cut in, before mark could answer.

“ _ my roommate _ and i actually have plans.”

“we  _ do _ ?”

mark whipped around. had he missed something? he certainly hadn’t written that down in his planner.

“oh. mark never mentioned you two were…. hanging out today.”

renjun’s face fell.

“he must’ve forgotten. we’ll see you around then. hope you can get help with that math elsewhere,  _ junnie _ .”

donghyuck sounded bored, not even bothering to look up from his cuticles. renjun bristled at the nickname.

“yeah. i’ll see you around. bye mark.”

renjun walked briskly to his door, slipping inside and shutting it without so much as a sideways glance mark’s way.

“fucking finally.”

hyuck rolled their eyes.

“what’s his deal?”

“what’s  _ his _ deal?”

mark scoffed, pushing past donghyuck to get into their dorm. 

“what’s  _ your _ deal? i just spent the last hour defending you, and then you go and act like an ass.”

“ _ that  _ was acting like an ass? please, you honor roll bitches are so sensitive. you don’t know the  _ half _ of how insufferable i can be.”

mark raised an eyebrow.

“you know, for someone who shits on ap students so much, you sure have an impressive vocabulary.”

“i hated school, but i’m not  _ dumb _ .”

hyuck shut the door behind him.

“i happen to be incredibly well read. see, my intelligence makes me sexy, and yours makes you…well… it makes you you.”

they clicked their tongue.

“and that is  _ not _ a compliment.”

“whatever.”

mark waved his hand, side stepping the invitation to argue.

“i respect your… friends.”

he faltered for a moment, choking down the image of donghyuck straddling that pink haired prick, jaemin.

“so can you just respect mine?”

his roommate sighed, flopping backwards onto their unmade bed. 

“fine. i don’t like him, but i’ll keep things civil.”

“thank you.”

mark sat at his desk chair, grabbing his planner and checking today’s date. other than needing to read a chapter for earth science, the rest of his day was free. 

“so.”

he began, setting the leather bound book back down and spinning around to face donghyuck.

“what’s your plan that you forgot to inform me of?”

“ah yes!”

hyuck sprang up excitedly.

“well, first, i wanted you to buy me lunch.”

mark opened his mouth to protest, but donghyuck was already halfway out the door.

“and then, my friend, it’s time to get busy living, or die trying.”

“i don’t like the sound of that.”

mark mumbled to himself, but he couldn’t help the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth as he jogged to catch up to his roommate.

* * *

“absolutely not.”

mark eyed the needle in donghyuck’s hand, and resisted the urge to scoot away. 

“no. nope.”

“yes!”

the two were sitting picnic style again on their dorm room floor (mark made a mental note to put ‘get furniture’ on his to do list), surrounded by unlit candles, as the late afternoon sun was still casting a golden glow through the window.

“no! it’s not even on the list!”

“you see, i  _ knew _ you’d try to use that as an excuse.” 

hyuck traced their writing on the notebook paper laid out between them with the needle pinched in between his red fingertips. 

“‘ _ can be added to at any time’ _ , remember? well i choose now!”

he leaned over to write 

_ \- get a piercing _

“there! It’s officially in ink now. are you happy?”

mark worried his bottom lip.

“always read the fine print before you sign, valedictorian. but in all seriousness, i’ll be careful. it’ll only hurt for a second, i promise.”

“what if it gets infected?”

donghyuck shook the bottle of peroxide beside them.

“ _ and  _ i’ll sterilize the needle with a candle. i’ve thought of everything, i pierced all three of mine myself! i’m a pro.”

“you seem to consider yourself a pro at a lot of things.”

mark grumbled, emitting a low laugh from donghyuck.

“you don’t even know the half of what i can do, lee.”

mark willed the blush he felt creeping up his neck to stay at bay. 

“come  _ onnnnn _ , you’ll look so hot.”

mark was avoiding looking at donghyuck like they were the the monster from birdbox, but could hear the pout dripping off of their voice.

“obviously, that’s not your number one concern, since you wear the same brown pants every day. i’m not sure why i thought that would be effective in swaying you.”

hyuck muttered under their breath.

“what if i did mine first? to show you what would happen so you’ll be less nervous? i’m sure there’s room for me to squeeze in a quadruple.”

mark stared at his hands. why was he freaking out so much? when he’d worked at banana republic in the mall (where he’d required his lifetime supply of khakis with his employee discount), he’d watched hordes of 8 year old girls file into the claire’s boutique across the way every day, and walk out fifteen minutes later with suckers in hand, smiles on their faces, and cubic zirconia in their ears. it wasn’t like his mom would even be mad at him, just surprised. he  _ was _ an adult after all. he thought back to being little, when his dad had disappeared upstairs and returned with a pair of his mom’s dangly earrings in his half closed piercing holes from college to make mark shriek with laughter. the memory calmed his nerves a bit. he wanted that. memories to reminisce, stories to tell his own son one day. being assaulted by a needle brandished by donghyuck seemed like a good place to start.

“fine.”

mark caved, earning a cheer from hyuck. 

“you first though. i want to observe your methods,  _ pro _ .”

“ok  _ professor _ .” 

teased donghyuck with feigned annoyance. 

“first, i’ll numb you a bit.”

hyuck fished a piece of ice from the cup of water he’d brought back from lunch.

“that doesn’t seem exactly sanitary.”

mumbled mark, met immediately with a silencing glare as hyuck dropped the ice back in the water with a splash and stood up.

“aren’t you going to numb yours?”

mark asked, accepting donghyuck’s outstretched hand and rising to his feet.

“eh. i’m too impatient. and besides.”

he leaped, clearing the blanket gracefully to get to the mirror hanging from the door. 

“i don’t mind a little bit of pain.”

they added flippantly. mark pretended not to notice their smirk, reflected in the dingy glass. he tried twice as hard to ignore the fact that his palms had definitely gone clammy at the nonchalant remark. he watched as donghyuck drew two dots on his ears where he wanted the earrings, double checking to make sure they were even. once they were satisfied, they dabbed a cotton ball soaked with peroxide onto their skin, and the needle before turning to mark.

“here.”

he said, dropping two small gold studs into his hand. mark studied the tiny spheres.

“you just keep all this stuff on you?”

he asked, remembering the singular duffle bag donghyuck had walked in with.

“i’m a professional, remember?”

hyuck wagged their eyebrows jokingly. 

“now. when i tell you to, stick those in the flame to clean them, alright?”

mark nodded in compliance.

“can you grab me an apple?”

“wow, just using up all of my food stores now, are we? what do you even need this for?”

mark huffed, grabbing one anyways and tossing it to his roommate. hyuck caught it without even looking. it was almost irritating how graceful, how easy he made everything look. 

“you stick it behind your ear to act as a buffer for the needle, so you don’t impale yourself, stupid.”

donghyuck explained.

“and that’s  _ our _ food stores. i’m a communist dictator. now pay attention.”

they commanded. 

“i’m going to stab this through my ear now. when it’s in, clean the earring and hand it to me. you kind of have to be forceful so it’ll look like i’m being rough, but don’t panic, ok? trust the process.”

“ok.”

mark replied, voice small and eyes wide as he watched hyuck plunge the needle into the soft skin of their earlobe. mark passed the earring through the flickering candle flame a couple of times, handing it to hyuck.

“the needle in smaller than the earring post so you kinda have to-  _ fuck _ .”

donghyuck cursed as he jabbed the earring through. 

“shove.”

they finished their sentence, wiping quickly at a tear that had sprouted in one of their eyes.

“that’s involuntary!”

mark was pale as a sheet.

“i promise it doesn’t hurt that bad. the pain is… exhilarating, trust me.”

he busied himself with his other ear, only slightly wincing this time when the earring went through. 

“ta-da! quick and easy!”

they flashed jazz hands at mark, who had probably darkened from stark white to sickly green.

“ready?”

“you have a drop of blood right there.”

mark raised a shaking finger to point out the trail of red liquid snaking from donghyuck’s left ear. they only laughed, dabbing it with a cotton ball.

“i’ll get you a chair, roomie. can’t have you passing out and concussing that giant head- i mean brain of yours. grab some ice and get to numbing.”

mark laughed weakly as he sat, holding melted ice cubes to his skin until it turned red and unfeeling, and hyuck busied himself with drawing the guide dots on. 

“ok, let’s see if they’re even.”

hyuck said, leaning over mark and sticking the marker in between their teeth. they brought their hand lightly underneath mark’s chin to straighten his head out. mark felt his breath shallow as donghyuck’s face loomed mere inches away, scrutinizing his work.

“hey.” 

they whispered suddenly, locking eyes with mark. their fingers still ghosted, feather light under his chin. the hairs on his arms were definitely standing up. he hoped they didn’t notice.

“don’t be nervous.”

donghyuck offered a small smile. mark could only nod, and hyuck gave him one more once over before pulling away. mark suddenly felt cold. a part of him wanted to yank donghyuck back down into his lap and keep him there. feel his pretty hands on his face, his breath hot against his neck-

“so i was thinking i’d give you black studs.”

hyuck had materialized back in front of him, holding a pair of earrings fitted with matte black circles.

“it’ll give you an edge. you’re too… soft-looking right now, which translates to 100% punchable.”

mark simply nodded again. he didn’t trust his voice to be stable after where his mind had just wandered. 

“i told you not to worry.”

chided hyuck, squeezing his shoulder as they breezed past to grab the peroxide.

“i’ll be quick.”

they promised, cleaning mark’s skin along with the materials. they tugged on mark’s chin again, forcing him to make eye contact. their eyes seemed to spin like a hypnosis device, tiny dark chocolate whirlpools. 

“breathe when i tell you too, it’ll calm you down when i do it. just focus on your breath, and my voice.”

mark nodded dumbly for the umpteenth time that night. donghyuck’s voice had to be laced with narcotics or  _ something _ , the way each word fell out of their mouth was mind numbingly trance-like. 

“inhale.”

mark sucked in a whistling breath, feeling donghyuck line the point of the needle up with his ear.

“exhale.” 

_ “shit.” _

mark bit out as the needle went through, his hand shooting out to grab a fistfull of donghyuck’s shirt. his ear felt like it had its own white-hot heartbeat. hyuck chuckled softly. 

“if it helps to hold onto something, be my guest.”

mark was too focused on not passing out to even be embarrassed. 

“here comes the earring. it gets worse before it gets better, remember. inhale.”

mark breathed in, grip tightening on the purple fabric. he swore for split second, donghyuck’s eyes flitted down to where he was grabbing, but before he could evaluate, his roommate was instructing him to exhale, and poking the earring post through. mark laughed breathlessly at the sharp jab. it wasn’t so bad now that he knew what to expect. hyuck smiled at his sudden outburst.

“see? exhilarating!” 

he cheered, moving to mark’s other side.

“it’ll be over in two seconds now.”

mark barely flinched when the two piece of metal went through his ear this time. hyuck lightly cupped his ear in his hand when he was done, studying their handiwork. 

“pretty.”

they decided, a slow smile making their eyes crinkle a little at the edges. mark so badly wanted to lean pathetically into their touch, become putty in their hands.

“wanna see?”

“sure.”

mark’s voice was hoarse.

“you need to let go of me first.”

hyuck teased. mark could smell the watermelon gum they were chewing, the scent of his breath mingling in the small space between them.

“right.”

mark lowered his eyes in embarrassment, detaching his grasp from donghyuck’s sweatshirt. he stood up on shaky legs and peered at himself in the mirror. the black stones in his ears were tiny, but he felt like they were making him stand up straighter.

“i feel… cool?”

hyuck’s reflection laughed beside him.

“don’t get ahead of yourself, lee.”

“nah come on, say it, i look badass!"

“oh do you now, swayze?”

donghyuck cocked an eyebrow, cleaning up the supplies. he paused for a moment.

“you do.”

he said plainly, for the first time avoiding mark’s eyes.

“look cool, i mean. they suit you.”

“thanks.”

mark replied, too caught off guard to say anything else. hyuck continued tidying up, a heavy silence hanging between the two.

“the list!”

donghyuck suddenly exclaimed, noticing it on the floor.

“would you like to do the honors?”

“it would mean the world to me.”

mark joked, sitting down on the blanketed floor. hyuck handed him a pen.

“on the humble day of august 25th, in the year of our lord 2021, at the time of-”

donghyuck paused from his speech to grab mark’s hand and steal a glance at his watch.

“6:08 pm, mark lee has officially completed a harrowing task on his quest towards life. you may now do the honors, my good sir.”

mark crossed off 

_ \- get a piercing _

with a flourish, and hyuck cheered. mark threw his head back in a laugh. his face hurt from smiling (and from being stabbed through with a sewing needle perhaps).

“that was fun. thank you, by the way.”

he noticed that donghyuck’s hand was still clutching his. he made no move to pull it away.

“my pleasure."

hyuck bowed his head.

“so, what’s on the agenda for the rest of the night, troublemaker?”

“uhhhhh.”

mark wracked his brain for an answer other than homework. donghyuck had just called him cool, and that would  _ definitely _ take him a few steps backwards.

“oh!”

his heartbeat quickened as he got an idea.

“i know i slandered all over harry potter the other day, but i’ve been feeling open to new ideas lately, i suppose.”

hyuck rolled their eyes. 

“yeah yeah, get to the point.”

“maybe we could rent it and watch it on my laptop?”

mark suggested, suddenly sheepish. donghyuck’s smile lit up the room. mark resisted the urge to giggle. it felt like acing a test whenever he made their eyes fold into into little crescent moons. 

“i’ll go get my computer then.”

mark said, unmoving. he wanted to hold hyuck’s hand for a minute, an hour more.

“ok.” 

hyuck responded softly, not moving their hand either. mark felt hyper aware of the way their chest was rising and falling with each breath, the way their ears had turned pink after being pierced, the way their tongue was stretching the piece of gum in their mouth. he snuck a glance down at their hands, hyuck’s much smaller than his, resting like a pool of honey in his palm.

“mark-”

donghyuck began. his voice was tinged with something husky. mark shifted his weight in anticipation. 

“about last night, and my cross, i-”

just then, the door whipped open with a crash. the two jerked their heads towards the door, and donghyuck ripped his hand from mark’s when he registered jaemin standing in the doorway, eyebrows raised at the boys sitting on the floor. 

“just electing to follow the no-knocking policy.”

he flashed a shit eating grin.

“how kind of you.”

mark gritted his teeth. his hand felt so incredibly empty without donghyuck’s.

“i’m not interrupting anything am i?”

“actually ye-”

mark started, only to be cut off by hyuck, who stood up quickly, twisting their scrunchie rapidly around their wrist.

“no, jaem, we were just talking. what’s up?”

“my roots are growing out and it’s starting to look trashy.”

jaemin pouted as he pulled his pink hair back, showing the black underneath.

“jeno fell asleep on the couch and i feel too bad to wake him up, and renjun says he’s too busy studying. can you give me a hand?”

“yeah, sure!”

donghyuck agreed, casting a worried glance down at mark.

“you don’t mind, do you?”

mark resisted the urge to roll his eyes. what the hell was he expected to say?

“yeah it’s fine, go ahead.”

“thanks.”

his roommate gave him a tight lipped smile.

“you’re welcome to come.”

jaemin offered, tapping his bunny slipper-clad foot. 

“i’m good.”

mark waved him off, standing up and walking back towards his desk.

“i have earth sci notes to take anyways.”

“ok.”

hyuck was chewing on their bottom lip.

“goodnight just in case i don’t come back- or you’re already asleep or whatever.”

they added hurriedly, eyeing jaemin’s retreating figure.

“goodnight hyuck.”

mark replied softly, but the door had already clicked shut, locking the words in with him as his only company.


	6. Chapter 6

hyuck  _ didn’t _ return the next morning, or the morning after that. each day, mark peered carefully at their meringue-peaked duvet cover, hoping to catch a glimpse of tan skin buried underneath. each day, upon finding nothing, his heart sunk further and further down towards his shoes. 

he zoned out one day in his 3D modeling class the following week, staring blankly at the blinking cursor on the computer screen, his mind running rampant with the possibilities of where the hell his roommate could be. donghyuck didn’t own a car, and there was no way the little electric scooters stationed around campus could have gotten them very far. he wasn’t hiding out with jaemin, or renjun would have let him know by now.

“i’m sure he’s absolutely fine.”

renjun reassured him later, chewing on the straw to his iced coffee. they were sitting at their normal table outside, sweating beneath the summer sun that had carried over into september. 

“from what little i know about the guy, he seems like the type to be flighty, mysterious. he’ll probably show back up in a couple days with a lip ring and say he lost track of time.”

“it just doesn’t make sense.”

mark shook his head, slightly disappointed that it wasn’t the appropriate time to ponder donghyuck sporting a lip ring.

“they’ve been gone for a  _ while _ now, jun. i don’t understand why he would just leave without telling anyone. are you sure he hasn’t said anything to jaemin? they’re… close friends, right?”

renjun laughed harshly. 

“yeah, something like that. they’re just friends with benefits, with those benefits being sex and weed. jaemin isn’t much for moral support, so i doubt that donghyuck opened up to him or anything like that.”

“isn’t jaemin with that guy jeno though?”

mark asked, confused at how hyuck fit in that situation.

“yeah, but they’re… open, i guess you could put it. they never shut  _ up _ about how they feel so confident in their relationship that they don’t mind sharing it with others.”

he rolled his eyes. 

“needless to say, jaemin’s a nightmare to share a living space with.”

“seems like he’s an open book.”

mark mused, swirling around his untouched matcha latte, which had gone cold and was starting to seperate, chalky green dust muddling to the top. his stomach was churning too much for him to even think about putting anything into it, and it had been that way for the past few days now. what a waste of $5.18. 

“not untrue, but we’ve known each other since we were small, so i get a closer look than most.”

renjun explained. 

“his father runs in the same circles as mine. so yeah, he is a bit in-your-face, but i love him like a brother. growing up like we did… he has a lot of steam to blow off, let’s put it that way. we spent our entire childhoods keeping each other sane at banquet dinners, which meant driving our parents crazy- one time we spiked the punch and the board president got hammered and declared that he was having an affair with his secretary during his speech.”

he giggled from behind his hand. 

“our fathers pulled some strings to get us a room together in the form of…. that building right there.”

mark looked towards where renjun was pointing, at a brick building a couple blocks over.

“a new library for the law students, which coincidentally is what jaemin is studying. but i didn’t come here to talk about our corrupt parents.”

renjun waved his hand in dismissal of the subject, his rolex catching the sunlight and causing mark to squint.

“all of that was to say jaemin and i are close, so if donghyuck said anything noteworthy he would probably tell me. but if you want, we can go talk to him and ask. i’m sure he’s home, and i know you’re just going to keep obsessing until you have a definitive answer. it’s why you’re so damn good at math.”

mark had already risen out of his seat, grabbing his lukewarm drink (he’d save it to microwave later, there was no may he was dumping that much money down the drain). he sped walk the entire way back to the dorms, to the soundtrack of an irritated renjun following behind, complaining that his legs weren’t long enough to keep up.

“c’mon, i promise you donghyuck isn’t going to disappear into thin air, you could’ve slowed down a little.”

renjun huffed, putting his hands on his knees to catch his breath outside of his door. mark ignored him, reaching for the doorknob, but renjun shot a quick hand out to stop him.

“the knocking policy around here isn’t a want, it’s a  _ need _ .”

he explained solemnly, reaching a fist up to rap on the door.

“jaeminandjenoifyou’renakedpleasecoverupnowiamcominginside.”

he called out rapid fire in one singular, rehearsed breath.

“come in.”

a distracted voice called back from inside. renjun entered after receiving the confirmation, followed closely by mark. jeno was sitting up in bed, dressed in a sweatshirt and flannel pajama pants, with jaemin’s head resting in his lap. he looked like the perfect calm to jaemin’s storm, with messy brown hair and features that were soft where jaemin’s were pointed. he was absentmindedly playing with his boyfriend’s freshly touched-up hair, as jaemin yelled at a game he was playing on his nintendo switch. 

“what’s up?”

he asked without looking up from the screen, teeth gritted in concentration. jeno offered an apologetic smile.

“he’s a bit preoccupied right now, you know how intense mario kart can get.”

jaemin cursed at the screen again, and jeno patted his shoulder in consolation. 

“you’re hyuck’s roommate, right? have they come back yet?”

“no, that’s actually why i’m here!”

mark stepped further into the room, resting a hand on the post at the foot of jaemin’s bed.

“you know that they left? this is the last place i knew he went… did he say anything to you guys?”

“yeah, he was weird that night.”

jaemin sat up, discarding his switch onto the covers and shaking out his hair like a wet dog. it was comically fluffy from just having jeno’s fingers carded through.

“we had just finished doing my hair, and jeno was saying how hot i looked, so i made a joke about it being hump day, y’know, because it was wednesday.”

jaemin paused, looking at mark expectantly.

“yeah. yeah, i get the joke.”

mark gripped his drink, irritated.

“what did they do that was weird?”

“they like… panicked. started saying things like ‘that’s today already?’ and ‘how could i forget?’ like wednesday was something important. he said something about having to go somewhere and then practically blew straight out the door. i texted that night but never got a response, i had no idea that he was still gone, i just assumed they got back and were laying low.”

“no. it’s been over a week, and nothing. did they give  _ any _ specifics at all?”

jaemin shook his head. 

“i’m sure everything will be ok.”

jeno offered kindly, as jaemin leaned back into him.

“they  _ did _ mention something about grabbing a piece of paper from your guys’ room? a list, maybe? something about ‘not wanting him to do anything stupid’, i don’t know who ‘him’ is, he was just muttering to himself. you were probably already asleep by then, so i doubt that you would have noticed.

_ a list! _

mark tore out of the room, fumbling with the doorknob to his dorm before tripping over his feet to get inside. the living list was missing from the top of their dresser, leaving the framed picture of mark and his mom sitting alone. one of the drawers was halfway open, and mark shoved it closed with his hip in indignation. the photo frame toppled over, and he frowned at the flash of neon green attached to the back. he picked it up. on the back of the picture was a sticky note, with two words scrawled hurriedly across; 

_ don’t worry _

mark’s head was a roiling cocktail of relief and annoyance. hyuck was probably ok, but this didn’t answer a single question as to where the hell they were. he ran his fingers through his hair. was he just supposed to sit and wait? that sounded like utter torture. 

“hey, you good? you sprinted out so fast.”

renjun was standing in the open doorway, looking concerned. 

“oh, yeah! sorry, i got excited hearing he mentioned a list, it made me realize something to check.”

he waved the sticky note.

“he left a note! it isn’t much, but at least i know they’re safe.”

renjun nodded. 

“i’ll let jaem and jeno know. now can you stop worrying? you were starting to make  _ me _ worry.”

“no promises.”

mark replied with a small smile, waving goodbye. his phone buzzed his pocket, and his eyebrows furrowed at the email notification that had just come through:

**subject: don’t call the police i’m fine will maybe explain later if u are nice to me**

_ to:  _ [ _ marklee02@gmail.com _ ](mailto:marklee02@gmail.com)

_ From:  _ [ _ hyuckleberryf1nn@gmail.com _ ](mailto:hyuckleberryf1nn@gmail.com)

_ the rec center does this thing where they show movies in the park on campus on a big projector, tonight at 10pm they’re playing the sorcerer’s stone. ik that’s past your bedtime, but your wizard education is more important. bring a blanket. also snacks. this is hyuck btw. see u tonight. _

ok, now mark’s annoyance outweighed his concern by far. donghyuck was definitely toying with cryptic suspense for his own enjoyment at this point. absolutely no explanation, and sent in an  _ email _ ? and a poorly formatted one, at that.

_ define nice, _

mark typed back.

_ you have some explaining to do. _

he went to send the message, but paused for a second, staring at his brief words before typing again;

_ i’m glad you’re safe. _

he hit send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i won't leave you hanging for long!! i ended up writing a LOT more than i expected, and it felt like too much to shove into one chapter. i'll back with the other half in a day or two!! i hope you are all staying happy and healthy :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahahaah i got too excited and posted it asap, i need to find a better editing time than 2am, lord have mercy i can barely keep my eyes open while typing this. sending luv and luck to whomever needs it! <3

mark stood alone, clutching the designated picnic blanket in one hand, and his reheated tea latte in the other, scanning the crowd for his roommate’s blonde head. he checked his watch; 10:20pm. he should probably claim a spot before all of the good ones were taken. donghyuck better not be twelve hours late like he was the first time they met. he spread the blanket out, settling himself down and taking the apple he’d brought for hyuck out of his jacket pocket. 

he was probably a bit overdressed for outdoor movie night; in his usual khakis, paired with a white turtleneck and a long, tan coat to shield from the early fall breeze. it was a stark contrast to the borderline pajamas that everyone else was wearing, but mark liked to dress presentably for any event; it only seemed correct to do so. 

“why are you dressed like you’re about to go play croquet with your boss in order to further your chances of winning a promotion?”

the voice behind him made the hair on his neck raise. donghyuck. they sat down next to mark, dressed in a simple gray t-shirt and black sweatpants. they looked exhausted, with under eye bags as dark as bruises. his complexion seemed sallow, dull. his hair peeked out limply from under a black beanie. 

“why do you look like you’ve been to hell and back?”

mark asked softly. he wanted to reach out and smooth the worried creases in hyuck’s face, but kept his hands folded safely in his lap, afraid that if he touched them, they would disappear again. donghyuck only shook their head in response.

“not now.”

his voice was scratchy.

“i’ll explain later, but right now… i’m really tired. let’s just enjoy the movie.”

he picked up the apple mark had brought, rubbing it on the fabric of his shirt a few times to clean it. 

“you know, when i said bring snacks, i meant actual  _ good  _ stuff, lee.”

“ _ you  _ ate practically all of our food, might i remind you.”

mark pointed an accusatory finger. 

“and there was no point in going shopping. i haven’t been able to eat much these days.”

“oh.”

hyuck stared at the grass.

“you can’t just fucking disappear like that donghyuck, i was  _ worried _ . did you even think of how it would affec-”

“i said not now!”

donghyuck shouted, drawing sideways glances from the groups on blankets around them.

“i can’t do this right now mark. give me a  _ minute _ , please.”

their eyes were glassy, and mark noticed they were shaking in the chill.

“are you cold? i have something warm to drink, here.”

mark hurried, changing the subject and handing his roommate his starbucks cup, still hot from the microwave. he wasn’t sure whether to apologize or drop the subject completely.

“you don’t have to feel bad.”

hyuck said, as if reading mark’s mind. they clutched the warm cup to their chest.

“i know what i did was shitty, and i promise i’ll explain. i just need a second to collect… myself, i guess.”

he took a sip of the drink, his face immediately twisting in disgust.

“what the  _ hell _ are you drinking? liquified grass?”

mark swiped the drink back, taking a generous gulp in retaliation. 

“it’s matcha. aren’t you vegetarian? i thought you’re supposed to love plants.”

“i draw the line at  _ grass _ though.”

hyuck scoffed.

“i’m not a fucking  _ cow _ .”

mark tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile.

_ well, at least they seem more like themselves. _

he was rubbing the goosebumps on his arm again, the wind rippling the thin cotton of his shirt.

“here.” 

mark said, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over their shoulders.

“thanks, i didn’t have time to stop back at the dorm and grab a coat, i didn’t want to be late.”

“that’s a first.”

“can it lee, i told you i’d only talk if you were nice to me.”

donghyuck warned.

“and besides, i didn’t think it would be this chilly. it was still summery when i left.”

he laughed halfheartedly. the chatter dimmed as the projector screen buzzed to life, the warner bros. logo flickering across.

“get ready for your life to be changed.”

hyuck pulled mark’s jacket tighter around his lithe frame, snuggling down into the collar. 

“not as good as the books, of course, but we’re working on a tight schedule.”

the opening score floated through the air, and donghyuck yawned, covering his mouth.

“i’m going to get comfortable.”

they announced; flopping to their side and resting their head in mark’s lap, like a pillow. he froze, half out of shock and half from not wanting to disturb donghyuck, who had taken off their beanie was busy trying to detangle their hair with their fingers. 

mark didn’t retain a single detail of the film, his brain preoccupied with the much more pressing matter of his roommate’s head resting on his thigh. what was he supposed to do with his hands? they were awkwardly resting at his sides, but laying them on hyuck’s shoulder seemed too intimate. his fingers twitched with the urge to sweep through their hair, like jeno had been doing to jaemin earlier that day, but that was definitely crossing several lines.

that’s the kind of gesture you save for your boyfriend…. or girlfriend too, mark remembered. he wasn’t sure when that image of a significant other had changed in his mind. or why that image was blonde, and snarky, and didn’t know how to properly fold clothes, or-

“stop fidgeting, i’m trying to pay attention.”

hyuck grumbled. mark glanced up at the screen. harry was riding some sort of flying broom like a witch, and it looked like it was trying to buck him off.

“it’s his first quidditch match.”

they explained, and mark snorted.

“you’re a nerd, do you know that?”

“be  _ nice _ , remember?”

donghyuck swatted mark’s leg.

“and technically, quidditch is a sport, which makes me a sports fan, which scores me major testosterone points- will you  _ stop _ fidgeting!”

hyuck hissed, grabbing mark’s hand where it was toying with the blanket. they laid it on top of their waist, right above the band of their sweatpants. mark snapped his eyes back to the screen, swearing he heard hyuck snicker to himself.

“don’t be so tense.”

they murmured from mark’s lap.

“i’m not going to explode if you touch me.”

mark took a deep breath, trying to clear his head and focus on why the heck the one weird professor had another guy’s face growing out of the back of his head. by the time the credits were rolling, the hem of hyuck’s shirt had ridden up from the way he was laying on his side, and the exposed swath of skin on his hip bone where mark’s hand rested felt as if it were burning like an electric stovetop.

“so.” 

donghyuck rolled over onto his back, looking up at mark and blinking sleepily, his long lashes batting like butterfly wings. the screen had gone black, and people were starting to filter out, their conversations and laughter drifting further and further away. 

“what did you think?”

“i loved it!”

mark nodded rapidly, although in truth he had been far too distracted to actually follow along with the plot at all. 

“it was no percy jackson, but the architecture outsold.”

“tell me about it.”

“well, my specifics might be a little off just going by memory, but the main school building itself looked like it was modeled off of the durham cathedral in the uk. it’s the twin peaks that i noticed right away, they’re almost identical.”

mark traced the outline of the building in the air, scrunching his nose to catch his glasses, which were slipping down as they often did when he got too excited about something.

“they were for sure going for a norman look; that’s basically england’s version of romanesque- you can tell by the use of arches everywhere, super tall and vaulted ceilings, and the bell tower. oh! and the cloisters. i don’t know how i forgot about those.”

“what the hell is a cloister?”

hyuck laughed, his hand playing with the grass.

“it sounds like a type of wart.” 

“no no, they’re like, little arched enclaves on the outside of the towers? more so for decoration than practical use, they gave the facade a sort of ornate look from afar. a staple of the norman era.”

“you just have all of that filed away up there?”

donghyuck reached up to tap mark’s forehead.

“i guess so, yeah.”

mark shrugged.

“boring, i know.”

“no, i find it very interesting. i like hearing you talk about stuff you like, really.”

mark smiled, unsure where to look. usually, when he was embarrassed he’d look at his lap to hide his telltale blush, but that spot was currently being occupied by donghyuck.

“i wish that the current hyuck era could be described that glamorously.”

donghyuck looked away, a frown pulling at their lips.

“i suppose i owe you an explanation for my disappearing act, huh?”

they sat up, tucking their messy hair back into their beanie.

“i should start where we left off.”

they pulled their cross necklace out from underneath their shirt. unconsciously, mark felt for his own, pressed up against his skin by the tight knit of his sweater.

“i’m sorry i snapped when you asked the first time, and then left when i was about to tell you again. it really isn’t that big of a deal, i made it a lot more suspenseful than it has to be…. last week was just a bad week to ask. that’s not your fault though.”

the park was completely empty now, even the projector screen had been packed up and hauled away. 

“i told you that my mom wasn’t around, but i never specified that she  _ really _ isn’t around. like, she’s  _ gone _ . she got sick. i was going to tell you when you shared that your dad had passed- i really was, but the words always get jammed in my throat. when it happened… when she died.”

hyuck wrung his hands.

“i was 13. i lost my mom and gained the responsibility of running the household. my little sister yerin was still a baby, and-”

they brought a hand up, brushing, their throat.

“jammed.”

mark reached out for them, but they scooted away.

“it’s ok. i just…. need to tell you with my back turned. i don’t like other people seeing me cry. heartless gemini, i know.”

he wiped at his eyes, trying for a weak smile.

“yerin was still so little. she could barely talk yet. it was summertime, and i was in charge of getting all the kids to bed because my dad had to be up early for work. yerin had always been fussy, mom was the only one who could ever get her content enough to sleep. and so i would be stuck up for hours and hours, rocking her as she wailed her little head off. if i didn’t quiet her down soon enough, my dad would get mad and go on a tirade about how if i hadn’t been so incapable, my mom could have focused on getting better instead of devoting so much energy to taking care of me. that i was the reason she couldn’t recover. that i-”

their voice broke. 

“that i was the reason she died.”

donghyuck’s voice was barely above a whisper, nearly swept away by the evening breeze. mark watched helplessly as their back started to tremble like the leaves above, and he wished desperately to provide some kind of comfort,  _ anything _ . 

but there couldn’t be anything to say that donghyuck hadn’t heard countless times before, condolences that people uttered like mantras because it was the polite thing to do, not because they actually helped.  _ i’m so sorry. that must be so hard. i’m praying for you. _ mark had lost a parent too. he knew how empty those statements felt. sometimes silence healed better than useless noise.

“after he would go on his rants, the only thing that made me feel better when i finally went to bed was to pretend that none of it had ever happened. the only way i could sleep was to convince myself she wasn’t dead, for a  _ minute _ , just enough time for my brain to switch off. i guess that’s the reason why it’s so hard for me to say out loud that she’s… that she’s dead. i spent so much time convincing myself that she was just asleep, one room over.”

they pulled their legs into their chest.

“this necklace, it was hers. she gave it to me when she knew that there wasn’t much time left. it had been passed to the eldest daughter down three generations, but she said it suited me best.”

his back was still turned, but mark could hear the smile in their voice.

“for a while, i kept it hanging from my bedpost like a dreamcatcher. but one day i put it on, and when i was rocking yerin that night, she grabbed onto it with her little hand, and fell asleep faster than i had ever seen. like when she felt the cross and closed her eyes, she could pretend that i was mom. i haven’t taken it off since. we were starting to worry that she was colicky, but in reality, she just missed her mom. we all did.”

he drew in a shaky breath.

“wednesday was the anniversary of her death. 5 years. and i  _ forgot _ . i  _ never  _ forget about her, ever. but we had so much fun that day, it just… slipped my mind.”

“i’m sorry.”

mark replied immediately, heart sinking.

“no.”

hyuck turned, placing his hand on mark’s leg.

“thank you. i mean it. i have tried every distraction the book, trust me. some... less healthy than others. but nothing has ever worked quite like you.”

they paused, as a stray tear broke free of the dam and slid down his cheek. mark brushed it away with his thumb, letting it linger for moment. hyuck closed his eyes, leaning slightly into his touch.

“it freaked me out. so i ran. i caught the bus to visit her, but i should have waited until the morning. i was high, i had taken…. stuff over at jaemin’s and i couldn’t remember the walk from the bus stop to the cemetery. all i knew was how to get home, so i did. i busted into my dad’s room, crying like a fucking baby, apolgizing over and over. he told me to go sleep on the couch, and my siblings took me to bring her flowers the next morning. 

i left my charger here and my phone had died, that’s why i emailed you from the family desktop. very early 2000s of me. and besides, i don’t think we’ve actually exchanged numbers. i was going to come back that day, but yerin sobbed until i agreed to stay longer and get my head back together. i guess they all missed me.”

“they probably did, you’ve done so much for them.”

donghyuck smiled a bit. it almost reached his eyes this time.

“i don’t know if my dad said more than ‘email your teachers and tell them you’re having a family emergency so you don’t fail out and waste all of my money’ for the entire week i was there”.

they laughed, razor sharp and biting.

“if mom’s death turned me into a live wire, it turned him into a stone pillar... what kinda architecture is that?”

“originated by the egyptians.”

mark recounted immediately.

“popularized during the corinthian style era, by the greeks and romans.”

“you’re like a more reliable version of wikipedia.”

donghyuck mused.

“seriously though, how the hell do you just have that all on deck?”

“my dad.”

mark looked to the night sky fondly, pulling his own necklace out from underneath his sweater.

“this was his, you probably guessed by now. his watch, too.”

he fidgeted with the clasp before continuing. 

“anyways. he was an architect. he would explain each detail of any building we would pass by in the car, from the historical significance to the practical purpose. if you think that  _ i’m _ a walking encyclopedia, you should’ve seen him.”

he layed back on the blanket, staring at the tree branches above.

“he wanted to take me everywhere to see all the great feats of engineering; europe for the colosseum and marble domes, the eiffel tower, the states to see the empire state building and the golden state bridge, the mayan ruins in mexico, all of it. i was still too young to travel like that, so we were starting close to home.”

mark couldn’t tell if his eyes were welling from the wind or the jab of his memory.

“we were on our way home late one night from visiting the changdeokgung palace in seoul. he was tired, zoned out. it had been a long drive, i was passed out in my carseat in the back.”

he tightened his grip on the cross charm, its weight multiplied seemingly by 8.

“we were hit, almost head on by a drunk driver. they had their lights off, and appeared basically out of nowhere. or so i’ve heard. i was sleeping. i’m not sure how they were able to fill in specifics of the story, my dad was killed on impact. my car seat saved me, i was strapped in so tightly, and the fact that i had been asleep upon collision meant i didn’t have any time to brace myself, so my muscles were still semi relaxed. i got out with a broken arm, and a concussion. the crash happened right by a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, and the old couple that lived there rushed out right away when they heard the noise.”

his chest shuddered in time with the twigs up above.

“i just kept telling them that they needed to wake up my dad so he could explain what had happened, because i had been napping. i kept getting more and more frustrated, i couldn’t understand why they kept asking me, when he was right there. they finally unbuckled me from my booster seat and i tried to shake him awake, and i realized…”

he turned his head to face donghyuck.

“my hand came back bloody. he was  _ mangled _ , hyuck. it was so bad that i passed out. i woke up in the hospital with no recollection of what had happened. that whole story was pieced together from what the old couple told the police for the official report. none of it from me… i don’t remember a thing. 

the last memory i have from that day is my dad pointing out the grazing cows in a field we were passing, and drifting to sleep… and then waking up with my arm in a cast and a nurse hovering over me. nothing in between except for the way he looked. my dad, reduced to a prop in a horror film. it’s why i can talk about it so easily, it doesn’t feel like  _ my _ story. all i knew for certain was that i had lived and my dad had died. i was a fucking six year old with survivors guilt.”

hyuck laid down next to him, using their hands as a pillow.

“i figured out then, life is a lot easier to tiptoe through if you just listen to what everyone tells you. everyone would say i looked just like my dad, that i acted exactly like him, that i was going to turn out just as good as he had been. so i decided that i would. wear his cross, his watch. attend the same school, study the same career.

maybe i could help fill the gap where he used to be. i think that i spent so much time living for him that i never got the chance to live for myself. it’s borderline obsessive, hyuck. i’m playing dress up. i live for the day i look in the mirror, and i see him.”

he turned away, embarrassed. 

“i don’t even know if i believe in god anymore.”

he let go of the necklace, and it thumped metallically against his shirt. 

“but if i take this off, it feels like i’m really admitting it, really letting go. this is my only chance to see him again. to do everything right, by the book, so i can go to heaven and fill in the blanks of him that have started to fade. every day it’s something new. i realized the other day I don’t remember what his voice sounded like. even if it’s delusional, if i lose my faith completely, that chance to see him again sinks to a definite zero. what do i have to live for at zero?”

donghyuck shimmied closer, resting his head on mark’s chest.

“for what it’s worth, you’re doing really well, mark. i mean it. you don’t need to worry, your dad would be proud.”

“that means a lot, donghyuck, really.”

he tapped their shoulder lightly.

“and you. your mom wouldn’t, she  _ doesn’t _ blame you. so stop blaming yourself.”

“no promises. but... thank you, lee.”

“you know, i’ve never told anyone all that.”

mark mumbled into their hair.

“me either.”

the two were silent for a moment, accompanied only by crickets.

“why did you take the list with you? jeno said you said something about not wanting someone to do something stupid?”

“oh. yeah.”

hyuck looked bashful, digging around in his pocket until he retrieved the piece of paper, slightly crumpled but still intact.

“i didn’t want you to go ahead and start completing stuff alone when i couldn’t be there to make sure you don’t  _ actually  _ put yourself in danger.”

mark’s laughter bounced hyuck’s head up and down on his chest. 

“so you were high off of god knows what, and yet you were still thinking about me fucking things up?”

mark asked, incredulous. donghyuck shrugged.

“it  _ is _ one of your talents.”

“yeah yeah.”

mark rolled his eyes.

“i feel like airing out our traumas attached to our cross necklaces should be on the list?”

“and why is that?”

“i feel like i’m living. right now.”

he felt them smile, pressed against his sweater.

“me too."


End file.
